Saturday, February 23, 2013

Just a normal day



Here I sit once AGAIN in front of my computer screen..type delete..type delete..I've been trying to put into words what it can feel like on daily basis to have thyroid issues...The first day I sat down to write, I ended up in tears and had to walk away...the second day, every time I sat down I became side tracked and forgot why I was sitting here..and the third day I just went for it and typed..teared..and swore.

Today when I logged on to read what I had written..I quickly deleted the entire thing and thought holy shit, if I post this people are going to think I'm insane...

There have been times when even thought I was going insane. Other days, I think I'll definitely GO insane if I have to feel like this for one more damned day!!

I can only speak for myself when I describe how I feel and everyday is different..One of the biggest problems for me is, a lot of the symptoms I have can also be caused by other things in your daily life..so I feel like I never know WHY I feel the way I do.

If you look up depression and thyroid symptoms, they are a lot alike..people have wound up on unnecessary medications because of this..

Anxiety..irritability...jittery...SUCKS!!

The biggest issue I have right now is what the doctor likes to call "Brain Fogg" and lucky for me there's nothing they can do about it...there are some days when I'm super productive and other days when even if I have a list in front of me I can't get a single thing done..

Are my meds off?? Or is it just everyday life stress that's got me down today...a constant question in my mind.

dry skin..hair loss..fatigue...I HATE IT!!

Today I feel fat..tomorrow I might feel skinny...there's nothing worse than working out at the gym all week long for years only to have your meds change and then BOOM so do you...I can't imagine what I would look like if I didn't work out daily...and you know what? Some days I just don't want to...

Sometimes I look at women with the small frame and shiny bouncing pony tail and can't help think..before my thyroid came out..that was me..now I can't grow my hair..it's dry and would be totally gray if I didn't color it.  I fluctuate in weight no matter what I do!!  FUCK YOU!!!

I was recently trying to explain this to a close friend...she has very long hair and I said Imagine one day your doctor tells you, you HAVE to shave your head...you have NO CHOICE...and shaving your head will take you completely out or your "normal" you will feel cold.. you will feel odd..and you will feel ugly.

But get ready and suck it the hell up because there's NOTHING you can do about it.

Weight gain...weight loss..is all part of the game, the game the doctors play with my life when trying to find the right dose...I get to sit and wait the seven weeks till the next blood draw and hope by the end of it I feel better and not worse..

Sometimes I feel like I'm controlled by that little blue pill that I have to take before I go to bed..and thats IF I remember to take it..most mornings when I wake up and stare at the bottle I have no memory of taking it at all..post it notes and lists are my best friends and sometimes I even forget what I'm writing down AS I'm writing it.

Somedays I feel like I'm being drugged.

Maybe if I go to bed earlier...work out harder...eat less...my body will be what I want it to be...I mentally abuse the shit out of myself daily with this...

To look at a person with thyroid issues you can't tell there's anything wrong...smiling through the emotional pain of not being able to accomplish what I want today because I'm too tired or today I have severe muscle weakness and poor coordination IS HARD!!

My husband doesn't get it...I'm pretty sure my kids don't understand...and I'm just trying to live and be happy..