Friday, September 20, 2013

Portrait of a thyroid disorder..just another day.

Having a thyroid disorder or in my case not having at thyroid at all, can feel like your lost in the ocean and all you can do is tread water. Your looking for the direction in which to go but even when you figure it out your to tired to get there. So you start to sink.

Today I feel like I'm sinking, maybe tomorrow I'll have the drive and energy to do what I was supposed to get done today.

The pants I wore last week are tight this morning..maybe they will fit tomorrow....my coordination is off...my head is foggy and I'm anxious...I know what this is from..

I wander around my house aimlessly after the girls go to school...I am getting nothing done..I go back and fourth in my head about what I should be doing...I decide to head out for some retail therapy. I need so many things to decorate our new room in the basement and I plan on giving my bathroom a complete overhaul pretty soon. I stop for an iced coffee and hit the road.

I enter the store and grab a cart..it's hard to push and as usual I get the one with the shakey squeaky wheels...I find a few things but nothing I really want and there is lady in my isle that is in my way...I'm aggravated and immediately don't want to be there anymore..I push through the isles because thats what I came for but things are a blur..nothing matches..nothing will look good in my house and nothing feels like it is making sense..

I suddenly feel lost..why was I there again..I need a shower curtain, yes! I head over to the bathroom section and see all the curtains and love them all...I can't choose so I decide to look at the towels, pick a color and go from there....to many towels back to the shower curtains..I narrow it down and make a decision. I go back to the towels and suddenly I hate the colors..I take the shower curtain back and grab another..I hate this one too...I guess my bathroom can wait till another day.

I feel weird and out of place..uncomfortable in my skin and just need to get the hell out of there...I feel like I can't get to the door fast enough...I head home.

 I'm starving...when was the last time I ate something?? What should I have for lunch?? I get home and nothing is appealing...For once I'd love to eat and not feel guilty because my body looks like shit...I need to try harder.

I should be at the gym..I should be working out..It's one of those days and I know going to the gym would be useless...it's days like this I have no stamina and I feel out of control..I settle for yard work but have not made it outside yet..

Maybe a diet coke would make me feel better....I wish I could just make myself feel better..I hate days like this...it's a sucky feeling that not many understand..my husband gets irritated and my kids don't understand why I cannot possibly do one more thing or answer one more question...or why something like the volume of the TV has made me snap.

Am I depressed??? Am I working to many hours??? To many after school activities for the girls??? Give yourself a break people say...If I gave myself a break every time I had one of these days..I'd have no life..It's my medication and I know it...I call the doc and they will see me in 3 weeks..."sorry but you will have to live in hell till then, have a nice day!" Great...

You feel the lump in your throat and the tears are blurring your vision...you tell yourself to suck it up and stop the pity party...

This is your life now...you are no longer who you were before...deal with it!!  Somedays that is just a hard pill to swallow...more jagged than the little blue one that I take to keep me alive..