Wednesday, January 29, 2014

The endocrine system..it's one tricky Mofo

The Endocrine system is one tricky MoFo...ok that's not what he really said, but thats what I heard.

I also heard..it's time to dig a little deeper into whats going on inside your body and I promise you, I will try to figure this out...I'm sure the look on my tired face and the tears in my eyes helped getting my point across... I'm trying to think of everything I can tell him about the past few months, every little symptom..every little ache..every little pain.

He explain's we will start with labs..it's easy enough. He goes on to tell me what he thinks and what he will test for to start. But he knows what is in the back of my mind and he knows that is why I can't seem to think straight. I can't bring myself to say it out loud and he doesn't mention it either, but I know he will test for it.

It has been 12 yrs since I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer...I may be cancer free..but I will never be free from cancer. It's always there, like a skeleton in your closet. It taunts you..reminds you..and scares the living shit out of you no matter how hard you try and forget you ever met.

I am relieved. All you want is for someone to listen.  I decided to see my primary care physician this time, not my endocrinologist. I needed someone to start looking at other things, not just my thyroid.

You go to these Doctors and you trust them to do what is best for you.. I've asked before for more than just a TSH test and been told I didn't need it. I think I have a pretty good relationship with my endocrinologist but recently I have felt like more of a number instead of a person with a voice.

Thyroid symptoms suck.

I hate that I am on medication that is constantly changing and I hate that this controls how I feel on a daily basis.  Most of the time I am able to push through and mask how I really feel. Nobody wants to hear you complaining about how tired you are or how fat you feel. Eventually you will feel like it's always an excuse..Eventually you will feel like shit about not being able to do the things you want.
Eventually the guilt will build and then maybe if you're lucky the depression will set in.

I step on the scale before I leave the Doctor's office and I hate the number I see.. I work so damned hard to make it to the gym and work out even harder when I get there. Working hard and getting no results is hard..but I will keep trying.

There are days I am uncomfortable in my own skin.  You would think I'd be over it and used to it by now. I tell myself I need to let it go,  I have to just make the best of this. Sometimes thats just not good enough.

Yes I am alive..Yes I am a survivor.. I should be more grateful...but I don't always feel that way. .

It's like having your dream car and then someone telling you, you have to trade it in for a clunker and while you're at it you can only put water in your gas tank. Good luck getting it to run smoothly... Now make the best of it and have a nice day.

FUCK YOU!!!...I want to say..I don't want this mind or body anymore..I want to be me again..I want to be who I was before cancer decided to show up.

I feel like this today, but might not tomorrow. It's a roller coaster ride I wish I could get off, but instead I just hold on tight...

I WILL make the best of what I've been dealt..and I will try like hell not to let this ruin today or determine my lifestyle tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. I see you so clearly here Ash. I feel the pain and the strength in you. I'm glad you went to your primary. Maybe this was the week of enough...I too had the visit with my primary. At least you didn't burst into sobs when he said hi! Sometimes we just need others to see past our brave faces and realize that as though as we are, it still hurts like a mofo under our smiles. I hear you.

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