OMG guys how long has it been since I've written anything?? And why are these letters so dark and bold. I don't even remember how to navigate the settings anymore!!!
I'll just wing it like I do most everything in my life.
It's 2024, and I feel like social media has become so much different than back in the day when I was considered a "blogger". Was that actually the first of the influencers?? Hmmmm
Gone are the days where you sit down, collect your thoughts and edit what you want to say. Now everything is being in front of your phone talking to whoever trying to gain traction and get people to watch you. Thats something I REALLY struggle with!!
I have the podcast, although I wouldn't call it much of an actual podcast. I record it on an app on my phone, I don't have any fancy equipment or a nice quiet place to sit ( unless I'm locked in my jeep in the driveway and somehow I think someone would still find me) And I have ZERO clue how to edit. BUT I actually love that, because it's more or less how I am in real life. If we were chatting over coffee or having lunch. Ash unedited!!
I've blogged all about my thyroid journey and been able to take all of you on my FB page along for the wild and crazy ride. You can go back and read the ones that are published if you want a refresher.
So much has happened between then and now. I opened and ran my own businesses. I got into the gym. I finally had found my "sweet spot" with my thyroid medication. After years of struggle I was finally comfortable in my own skin again.
I've said it before, when you have your thyroid removed or are diagnosed with a thyroid disorder trying to hold onto who you used to be and how you used to live doesn't always work. I spent years digging in my heels trying to be who I was before thyroid cancer. It wasn't until I accepted the person, the body, and the life I was living after that I actually started to make progress.
And right now, I'm in the same exact spot and have had to remind myself that over the last 8 mos things have changed and I need to adapt what things are now. Am I making sense, I freaking hope so.
In August 2023 I had shoulder surgery, after trying to rehab it for about 18 mos. I knew going into it what the recovery looked like and how long it would take. I knew it wouldn't be easy and I knew my biggest challenge would be my mindset and sitting still. I knew I'd prob gain some weight, not being active and I gave myself the goal of spring / summer 2024 to come out on the other side and be back on track..so we still have time!
What I didn't anticipate was all the unexpected hurdles that would make navigating this recovery so much more difficult.
I was healing so well in the beginning. Out of my sling in 2 weeks, using my arm for regular things and each week I could do a little more and a little more. PT 2X per week and I was already pulling weights and I felt great. Then without any warning around week 6-7, I started losing range of motion. It was like I'd gone back to week 1 over night. My therapists were baffled, as was I. Then I was diagnosed with frozen shoulder, my worst fear in this whole thing.
When I saw the surgeon he mentioned my lack of thyroid could have been the culprit. During this time I had also been having weird symptoms. No energy , hair falling out, couldn't sleep, felt depressed and I'd lost my menstrual cycle. It never even crossed my mind it was thyroid related because my medication had been perfectly stable for so long.
So I decided to have my labs drawn and sure enough my TSH was undetectable and I needed to lower my medication dose. Which can be scary. If you know, you know!! Once your medication dose has been changed you have to wait it out 7 weeks before you had have labs to check it. During this time it can be so frustrating because you never know what you're gonna get. It's like a mixed bag of shit! It's either better or worse and there is nothing you can do about it.
Between Oct 2023 and Feb 2024 my dose changed 3X. I pretty much felt like a crazy person most days, its a roller coaster ride I am way to familiar with. Feeling stuck in limbo brought my mind right back to the years I felt trapped in a body I hated.
After meeting with my endocrinologist, I found out I'd had a major drop in estrogen. Cue, full on Peri fucking menopause. I felt like I was being universally bitch slapped!! So I met with the gynecologist and during that appointment found out not only where my hormones all out of whack, my uterus was enlarged. Thankfully after an ultrasound and a week or worrying ( if you're Unlucky enough to have cancer trauma then you know how that is) everything came back normal.
BUT my symptoms were so off the charts I agreed to a low dose of estrodiol ( basically birth control) which I've been dead set against for years. I don't like to put anything into my body that could mess with my thyroid medication, and this most definitely will. So right now it's a game. We move, we wait, we drawn labs, we strategize and hope for a win.
So during all this craziness, I feel like I've pulled out every strategy I've ever had and I'm just checking them off one by one filing them away on what works and what doesn't. As I said above, if somethings different or changed then you have to figure out how to adapt. Meaning you ALSO HAVE TO CHANGE. Not only is change really hard, it can be scary, painful, lonely, frustrating etc.
After my surgery before shit hit the fan, I was trying to document my recovery by posting on my social media. One, to hold myself accountable and two, because I was bored to tears!!! I'd post a pic of me at the gym and I'd get so much shit for it. People messaging telling me I needed to chill, recover, relax, stop pushing, etc. I can promise you I was only doing PT approved things but it didn't matter.
Eventually I let all those comments build up into a negative chatter in my head and I stopped holding myself accountable altogether. In noway do I think anyone was trying to be mean or negative. And I 100% take responsibility for giving up on myself. I'm not one to take breaks, it's not in my wheel house and I broke. Worst feeling ever.
I would tell myself weekly, start over get back on track and slowly I just faded back into bad habits of the past.
2024 was coming up and my mind immediately went to 75HARD, a mental toughness program I've done in the past that has always gotten me out of a rut. I've made it to several different weeks in the program and I've made it all the way through. Each time a completely different experience and each time exactly what I needed.
Reflecting back on past experiences with the program I found myself reluctant to share I was planning on doing it again. Each time I've done it, I realized I got the same reaction as when I was rehabbing my shoulder. People saying things like, are you seriously still doing that, why are you pushing yourself this hard, you already do all these things take a break, just have the beer and pizza you can start again tomorrow. Blah blah blah!!!!
It's mind boggling to me how people react when you're trying to either make a change, do something new or are just doing something fucking hard. Do I think people do it on purpose, not all all. I think what happens, and I'm sure at some point I am also guilty of this. When you're doing something out of SOMEONE else's comfort zone, it can be a trigger for the other person. It flips the mirror and they think of themselves. "I wouldn't do that, I'd never last, I'm not capable." And people without realizing it, project their shit onto you.
If you're doing something new and trying to make a big change or start something you want to stick too, don't let peoples advice get you down. I should honestly know better by now.
I'm reading a new book and it's all about vulnerability and how it can play out in our lives, relationships and behavior. And I realized back in December when I was really struggling, I stopped sharing because I felt weak. I view myself being vulnerable as a weakness, yet if someone else was sharing a struggle I would prob look at it like a strength. Weird how our fucking minds work.
So here I am deciding to be vulnerable so I can move forward and make the best of who I am in this moment. Frozen shoulder, peri menopause Ash is new. I'm learning how to live as her, instead of holding onto the old version.
It's freaking HARD navigating in a body that is changing. It's also hard trying to stay the same when nothing is even close to being the same, it's nearly impossible.
You have to choose your hard.
So where am I now?? I have stopped trying to workout like I used to. I've stopped trying what used to be my quick fixes, because they no longer work. I'm trying things related to women hormones, I'm figuring out what works with my diet and gut health for healing, I allow myself a slower pace, I talk to a therapist weekly.
I will absolutely share what helps. And I'm glad I realized being vulnerable is actually a good thing when it comes to moving yourself forward.
XoXo
Ash
