Unraveling Strands

Ever watch your child unravel and as hard as you try you can't stop it...watching each strand of what calm and understanding they have, break one by one???

That was our morning...

Morgan is 12 and is currently on the waiting list to be tested for Aspergers Syndrome... The idea of her possibly being on the spectrum is not new to me. It's something that was pushed aside for many years while I searched for reasons why she does the things she does.

Now that we have taken the steps to put her on the list and say the words out loud and to her face, it's opened my eyes wide and it's given us all more of an understanding about how Morgan's mind works. Sharing Morgan has been great and connecting with other parents that let us into their lives has also been amazing!

Parenting my oldest daughter Sarah was so much different. She was stubborn, but you could reason with her. She would spout off and maybe we would yell, but once we said what we needed to say it was usually over and it was case closed..She is still like this at 15, very reasonable and even though she is a teen I'm very lucky she is able to communicate her frustrations in a mature way.

Parenting Morgan is totally different..

This morning was frustrating, it took everything I had not to yell in her face because she was being unreasonable... unreasonable to who?? ME... Her thoughts in her mind were valid and here I was telling her they weren't because she couldn't see it my way...

I forget sometimes she thinks differently and I need to approach things in a different way...Somedays I can catch it and somedays she just starts to unravel and there's nothing I can do...and then it's over. She shuts herself off and there's NO getting through until she is ready.

Sometimes it's lasts for hours and sometimes depending what it's about it can go on for days until it's rectified. I have to remind myself that in her mind everything has to have an absolute concrete matter of fact reason why it is the way it is..there can be no maybe.

This morning we ran out of chocolate chips for the pancakes that was strike one...I will get more today, don't worry!! Strike two was me starting the dishes at 7:25, we leave the house around 7:30 and we take the long way to school. We have found this is a extra thing she likes and it helps us get out of the house on time in the morning..we take the long way to school and she listens to the oldies station. Like her pancakes she looks forward to this everyday. So me doing the dishes 5 minutes before we should leave, she thought we wouldn't have enough time for her "loop".  Third strike was she ran out of yarn and I didn't post the 3 scarves she made on Etsy yet..she knows she has to get paid to buy more yarn and today in her mind that is the dumbest idea..cue full blown argument..

We manage to get out the door the whole time she is mumbling under her breath..she is mad and her reason for being mad is not making sense to me which is MAKING HER MORE MAD!! I'm trying to be as matter of fact as possible and I'm getting nowhere..and I can feel myself starting to get angry and now my voice is getting loud.. it's a recipe for disaster and I'm the one throwing in all the ingredients.

I am slowly realizing everyday things with my girl are real..Arguments and silent meltdowns are far and few between but they do happen. And I'm just starting to understand why..she processes things so differently, that I can't even comprehend sometimes..and my heart breaks thinking of all the times I became frustrated and yelled or shut her down because of our miscommunication.

The ride to school was tense..we got in the truck and she wanted to radio turned to 105.3 "The Shark" she usually does this herself but today she mumbled it under her breath so I could barely hear her, but I knew what she wanted. Every muscle in my body was tight..what an irritating way to start our day. And then I looked over and saw her face. She looked defeated and sad.. I know asking her whats wrong is useless and I know pulling over to hug her like I would do with Sarah would be unimaginable.

Instead we take our drive in silence and I pull up to the curb..she fumbles with her things as usual..I remind her to take the bus home and I will be there. I will not get a hug..I will not get an I love you..I get an emotionless "bye" and the door slams.

I fully expect my letter this afternoon firing me from my job as her mom.

Time to make the pancakes!!

I was surprised at the many different reactions and responses I got the few times I've mentioned making Morgan pancakes in the morning, So I thought I'd share WHY I make them everyday.

You might remember Morgan going to her friends house for a birthday sleepover and the mom made pancakes in the morning. They may have been homemade, fresh, frozen..I have no idea but Morgan thought it was the BEST thing ever!!  Now, I don't know if B's mom really makes her 3 kids pancakes everyday but for some reason Morgan got stuck on these pancakes.

Before the pancakes she ate nothing for breakfast and I hated the idea of her going to school with nothing in her system..I have tried everything but you all know you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink..yup Morgan is the same way.

You may have not caught on in the above paragraph but I used the word STUCK..and that is exactly what happens in Morgan's mind..once she gets stuck on an idea..there is NO GETTING IT OUT!!  So we try to do the best we can to make her ideas happen, and this time it's just pancakes. So what.

I'm used to the advice and welcome ALL of it..I love hearing from everyone and how you do things with your kids...I really do!!  But I've also gotten used to the eye rolls or the comments about Morgan being a "little bit spoiled".. really?? Because I make her breakfast everyday?? Something she enjoys??

It's become part of her routine and if you live with Morgs you know how important those familiar things are and WHY we do them.  She doesn't switch gears easily. If I didn't have maple syrup or if I ran out of batter, would she survive??..of course she would.. But it doesn't end there..see she needs an explanation for EVERYTHING..it's not as simple as I forgot to buy it, or we ran out have some oatmeal instead...in her mind there has to be an absolute reason for everything and it could go on FOR DAYS!!

We have routines to make it easier and our mornings are set by these things..at 6:30 she gets up and gets dressed. By 7 I'm making the pancakes and if I'm not she is reminding me, calling up the stairs making sure I didn't forget and if I happen to be working that morning and running late SHE makes the pancakes.

We mix up just enough batter for two small pancakes and she has chocolate chips in between  (whatever you do DON"T bake them into the pancake!!!)  While she's eating I make her lunch...Imagine that.. I make her lunch too!! Basically for the same reason..so she knows what to expect and what her choices are going to be during the day and at lunch..it's easier for her this way.

Just as any adult might look forward to their morning drive-thru coffee, she likes her pancakes!!

Cue the eye rolls...

Dear Daughter....who doesn't listen

Dear daughter,

Today you are mad at me, but you brought this on yourself....You take me for a joke and I'm sick and tired of it. I've said it until you don't even hear me anymore and I warned you months ago this very thing would happen...maybe you thought I was bluffing...you have had plenty of chances and I've been much more than lenient...maybe that was the problem.

I know you are busy...you are good in school and you play an after school sport..I get it...you don't think I do..but I get it.

I do not make rules to be a "beast" I make rules so you will know how to act and succeed in life when you are older...there are rules in school..rules when you get a job..and rules in life...the consequences of breaking those rules are far worse than the ones I have here at home...

You continue to not follow the simple rules I am asking of you...no eating/drinking in the living room...leaving cups and water bottles in your room..not picking up your stuff...and the biggest one, leaving your clothes all over your floor.

You can plead that my room as a kid was a mess...you can tell me it's your room who cares...well guess what??? I CARE.

I bought those clothes and find it disrespectful to see them thrown on the floor... this is not the first time we have talked about this...this has been going on for months...your closet is big enough to easily fit everything you own....you have no excuse beside being lazy and not giving a rats ass what I have asked of you.

For the past month you have begged and pleaded for a few new things (clothing)..again your father and I both have repeatedly told you once you can keep the clothes in the closet and not on the floor, you would earn a trip to the mall.

Even though you did NOT do your part, I decided to cut you a break...I would give you one last chance and this past Sunday I surprised you with a trip to the mall..just you and me.

We started off at Dunkin Donuts for our favorite iced coffees and then stopped for lunch before we shopped. It was a fun day. I haven't had a Sunday off from work in over a month and decided I'd love to spend it with you..

The amount of money you were able to spend in 2 hours...takes me almost two 12 hour shifts to earn..

You got what you wanted, I was no longer the "beast" I was the day before...

It is not my fault you wait for weeks until you do your laundry..you have a set laundry day that YOU CHOOSE to ignore...you would rather wait until you have nothing to wear and then complain that other people are using the washer... that is YOUR CHOICE.

I told you the easiest way to complete the entire laundry task it to fold it right out of the dryer and then put it away..it's actually very simple...you assured me and promised I would not see the hundreds of dollars worth of clothes I'd just bought on your floor.

It's now obvious to me that you do not give a $h@t about what I say...ask...or do for you, because this is what I walked into this morning when I was going to vacuum YOUR room.

You claim you did your laundry last night and didn't have time to fold it and put it away.....Last night while I was at work, away from my family..working until all hours..and tired, I vaguely remember receiving a text saying how tired you were from having to stay up and finish your laundry and an English assignment...then if I remember correctly that same person standing next to my bed this morning asking for an extra hour of sleep because you were up late doing laundry and homework...and what did I do???? I LET YOU SLEEP IN and drove your ass into school late!!!!!

 I warned you this would happen....I told you I'd had enough...you chose not to listen to me and that is your own fault..NOT MINE....I work damn hard for those clothes you have and the things you do...I will not feel bad because there are rules in my house...I will not have guilt when you are mad at me...I am your mom and the rules I have in MY HOUSE are for a reason..I'm sorry if you don't like them...but chances are in your life you will encounter much harder rules, than just having to fold and put away your own clothes.

Don't bother looking for your clothes...don't worry, you will get them back.. 

when you decide how to earn them.

Love, Mom

The great grocery experiment....

Probably like a lot of mom's, I do most of if not all the grocery shopping..there are times John comes with me but I never bring my kids. Brining my kids works me into a lather. I'm usually flustered to the point I can't remember anything and the backs of my ankles are almost always bruised from being rammed into with the cart..and, I spend twice as much if they are with me.

Just after the new year I decided to take a break from my job and cut down my hours..this would be the first time in years I didn't have a regular income coming into the house to help. I knew it would be hard, I'd have to get creative and cut some corners..a small price to pay for my sanity.

But it seems like every week I hear the same thing.."there's nothing to eat"..."wheres all the food".."I don't like that"...I've tried all sorts of things like letting them each pick a night and I make the meal of their choice... letting them give me a list of things they would like....I try to spend around $150 weekly and that usually doesn't include many meats, I buy those at a butcher. I am getting sick and tired of my fridge and cabinets going from packed to bare in 3 days..

John and I have brain stormed a million times about how to get through to them...I want them to realize I could be making them fill up water bottles from the tap..instead of buying their fancy school drinks..that shits not cheap, and when you have two kids with friends and they are sucking them down that gets expensive!!...Still, they look at me like I'm just this nagging mother who will bitch and then just continue to go and buy the stuff they want anyway..and you know what....I do.

I bitch..they ignore me..I go do it all over agin the very next week...OMG I have spoiled bratty kids!!

The girls are now 15 & 11..they are to young for real jobs (most places here you have to be 16 or older) so they really don't have a clue how long it takes to make $150. They don't realize how hard we work to make that money.

When I asked them if they thought $150 was a lot of money they both thought it was...So where's all the food you buy with it??? I wanted them to see exactly how much things cost and what it was like to follow a budget...I announced that they would do the grocery shopping!!

They both looked at me like "yeah right" I'm pretty sure they thought this was just another bitchy moment and it would pass..I have to admit I don't always follow through and bringing them to do the shopping was already sounding like a disaster...I told them to come up with a menu, figure out what they would need and write a list..

Today is Monday..my grocery day..I told myself if I wanted them to learn..I HAD to do this...The teen weaseled her way out of it, she had to study for finals..I cannot say no to studying..and taking just one would be a little easier..so it was Morgan and I...When I picked her up from school, she was thrilled about going..she had her menu planned and knew what she might need..

We get into the grocery store and the kid is clueless...I decided I just couldn't let her run wild and buy anything she wanted..I gave her the $150 budget and reminded her that we have to buy for everyone in the house, not just her. We also needed toilet paper, sandwich bags and a big bag of cat food..that all had to be included in the budget..she assured me $150 was a TON and she could get everything we needed...ok this was going to be good.

She had her list..her calculator and we were good to go....by isle 3, I saw the total creeping up and reminded her we still had whole store to go and we hadn't gotten anything for her recipes..She had decided on corn chowder...chicken pot pie..and meat cakes (mini meat loaf) She was surprised to see what her usual snacks cost and quickly realized that the Store brand 2/$3.00 was the best deal...if she couldn't get the deal, she didn't buy it...she was careful to choose things everyone liked and she chose things that were even amounts so she and Sarah could split it evenly...

I wasn't sure if this was good or bad..I thought for sure she would get to the snack isle and that would be it...she was passing by things she loved..I was actually TRYING to get her to buy junk..."what a rip off" she was saying..."I won't have enough money to buy things for dinner"...                                          

What the fuck was happening!!!

The kid who can't walk and chew gum and obviously couldn't push the cart and use the calculator was telling ME that the bigger pack of hamburg for her meat cakes was a better buy and I could use the left over for something else...

There was still one snack isle and we hadn't hit the produce yet, which is her favorite...I was almost becoming determined to prove her wrong..I wanted her to have to put something back..make a big decision ..chips or carrots..and when we run out of food and are eating chips and cereal for dinner I could say "I told you so"....I watched her cruise through the isles carefully choosing what she wanted..

We get to the produce which was the last leg..I was not looking at the calculator..I thought for sure she was probably over the limit...she got the rest of what she needed and said she was done...we headed to the check out..past the bakery with the cookies she loves and she didn't even give them a second glance..

As I was loading the items up onto the checkout I was excited for her...I knew she had done her best to make sure she got what she thought was important and I was proud of her for that...

I watched as the girl scanned each thing and when she hit total I was in shock..$152.88!! I told her I was pleased and asked her if she was too..."yes, this was fun and next time I'm clipping coupons!!"

I don't know if will have bare cabinets by Thursday...I don't know if we will be eating captain crunch for dinner one night...but what I do know is, my kid was capable of pulling this off...When they are complaining and eating an complaining and eating they are just being kids...I realized today they are listening deep down inside...Today wasn't just a lesson for Morgan..it taught me something too...even when you think your doing a bad job and your at your wits end with your kids...they are watching and listening to you..Today Morgan taught me I'm not doing such a bad job after all.

Vacations Are A Mother..

Ever wondered what it would be like to go on a carefree relaxing vacation...yeah me too.  I could probably ask the three people I just traveled with, my husband and our two daughters. Prob like most wives and mom's I get the brunt of the planning and responsibilities...even while on vacation.
But this time, things were supposed to be different.

We just got back from a 9 day trip to St. Maarten..I guess you could say my expectations were high. The girls are older now and they are no strangers to traveling, we have been fortunate enough to visit some great places and give them some wonderful experiences.

Our trip has come and gone and now all I have to hold onto are the memories...If you ask John, Sarah or Morgan..they will all agree they had the time of their lives...if you were to ask me? I might give you another story.

On the flight home I decided I'd come home and write about this vacation and share all the details and all the times my husband slipped into "dick mode" but as I was gathering my thoughts John must have seen something brewing because he pulled me aside. We sat outside the night after we returned home and reflected on our vacation. He knew something was bothering me, and I'm positive he knew it was him.

This page has been a sore spot a few times between he and I. He doesn't understand what it is, why I have it and why I love it so much. He has never even taken the time to visit this page and has never actually read anything I've written.

Yesterday, I had written all the details about this trip to share and I was going to post it. He came home and asked what I was writing and I told him. A panicked look swept across his face. I told him he could read it before I posted it and he said no. I could tell he was upset, maybe a bit mad that I would tell you about how much of a dumb ass he is when we travel. I told him writing is just an outlet for me..I get to connect with people that know what I'm going through..I guess if you don't want me to share and connect with 1,000 people I don't know, then learn how to connect with me yourself.
The panicked look turned to sadness and decided to I to change what I had written.

I recently have had people write and tell me they follow my page because I'm "real" and I'm glad...I don't live a fairy tale and don't want to pretend I do..My husband can be a total selfish jerk and my kids are pretty much A-holes most of the time..but what are ya gonna do?? Pretend like they aren't?? Now that my vacation is over I have to just look back, shake my head and laugh..

What I was going to post yesterday was just one big ridiculously long bitchy rant..did I have a reason to??  ..hell yes I did..but I figured you didn't want to know every little detail so I deleted most of it..and I told John I wouldn't make him look like a complete jackass..He is really able to do that on his own..

On of my biggest complaints from past vacations is the lack of help I get from John..when we travel his brain shuts off and he turns into a bumbling idiot..before I would even think of going anywhere this time I warned him he better snap out of that shit quick..there is nothing worse than going on a big money trip and feeling like it was time wasted. Trust me, I know...he seems to have this way of sucking the life and fun out of most anything we try to do...I totally get he works hard all year long and wants to relax on the beach, his favorite spot...but so do I.

Last time we were there the girls were content pretending they were dolphins jumping waves and building sand castles. Now that they are older, I knew it would be different and I was determined to connect with them on an older level...Zip lining and cruising around in a jeep with the top off was on the list..I wanted to walk around town and shop at the local fruit stands and let them see what others do to make a living..we decided to grocery shop instead of eat out the whole time and they would see how much things cost in another part of the world..and most of all I planned on having the time of our lives.

Even though John did a lot of the cooking and all the dishes..I have yet to experience the "stress free" part of traveling...his response.."don't bring the kids"...Funny thing he doesn't realize, it's not the kids...it's the lack of parental support I get from him. It's also the lack of respect for me and the things I want to do..I'm a very laid back person and I will not rock the boat if they are all having fun..I'm content on a beach for hours watching my kids enjoy the surf and watching them interact with people from other cultures.

But there were a few important things I really needed from him this time. So instead of waiting until we got there and  expecting him to know what I needed, I decided to lay it all out before we left...before I even booked this trip I told him he needed to be more involved in the planning part. He is very famous for saying "book whatever you want" and then complaining about what we did or didn't do while we were there....next is the flights..he can't believe it when I book it with a layover and questions it EVERY TIME...this time I made him sit and watch me book the flights..he just thinks that because he's so fucking special that there should be direct flights to anywhere he's going and they should all be free..sorry pal, not the case... Just sitting watching ME book the flights was about all his poor man brain could handle. So it was up to me to do the rest..He is clueless what needs to be done..book a place to stay..rent a car..get directions to all the places you want to go, it's nerve wracking!!

Next I brought up two very important things to me..First sun blocking the kids..when you are in the Caribbean you need lots of sunblock and once again I am always the one who gets to lube up each kid and hope I didn't miss a spot while they are flailing around..then making them get out of the water dry off and reapply their sandy little bodies, is even more fun..specially when your other half is just kickin back enjoying himself with no worries. ..."no problem" he says...great!!

Next issue I have is out of all the trips we have taken..there are NO picture of me anywhere...he just doesn't think to pick up the camera and take any, so I have none...I can show you hundreds of them having a good time, but it's like I wasn't even there. This actually hurts me inside more than anything, he knows how important pictures and memories are to me..your life can change in an instant..so I take tons of pictures to capture the moments spent with my kids.  He had no reasons why he never takes pictures and after hearing me tell him how upsetting it is was to me, I know he felt bad. He once again said "no problem" he would take whatever pictures he could and we would have more memories than I could count.

With this all ironed out, I couldn't wait to go!!  I brought two brand new bathing suits and a few sun dresses...I told myself I would live outside my comfort zone and enjoy myself no matter what..I couldn't wait for him to see me all dressed up!

We started our journey and I couldn't wait to just be with them and have fun...we get to the airport and everyones brain shuts off..I'm getting three blank stares and I suddenly feel like I'm the only adult...we get on the plane where I sit with one kid and he sits with the other...they come around and hand out forms for customs, one for each person in your family..I look over and he's clueless..so I fill them out.. Morgan (she's sitting with him) wants to go to the bathroom..she wants a drink..she wants the swedish fish we brought and she wants to color..I look over, yup he's still clueless..

After several hours we arrive and I'm looking for him for help...the altitude apparently scrambled his brain cells because he no longer remembers how to do anything....so I find the rental car, dig out the directions and I get us to the condo..while the three stooges sit back and enjoy the ride.

The first couple days of getting adjusted can always be hard for kids..so we tried to take it easy and just get settled...it was obvious to me within the first few days we were back to our old ways...there was no helping with sunblock..there was no enforcing the rules on the beach..I have to give it to him..the guys got mad skills when it comes to shutting out everyone elses needs.

I decided I wasn't going to flip...I would just do what I had done at home and remind him about the things I really needed help with.."no problem" Low and behold Sarah ended up with a sunburned back, mostly because she is 14 and wanted to apply her own sunblock and second because when I told her to reapply she pretty much gave me the finger and dopey laid on his towel and pretended he was deaf...

By day 4, I was starting to feel the anger build..and once again I get the three blank stares and they all look at me like I'm the psycho bitch vacation ruiner from hell...After arguing with my now crispy teen, yes about sunblock!! I snapped, and before I knew it the sunblock was leaving my hand and hurling straight for her...yup thats right, I threw it at her. We really didn't have many problems after that, with the sunblock.

We visited all the beaches they wanted..we snorkeled and shopped...we went to the market and we enjoyed sunsets by the pool..John, Morgan and I zip lined through the trees, Sarah didn't want to so she sat and read a book...I got some nice pictures of them all having a great time...

But where was I??  I was holding the camera..the passports...the money..the back pack...the sunblock..the keys to the condo and I drove the jeep the entire time while reading the directions that were in french so we could get where they wanted to go...Like any mom, your happy when your kids are happy and it's great to watch them have a good time..but when is it your turn??

The first time I threw on a new bathing suit and dress, it was the first time in a long time I really felt good about how I looked...I'm not sure what type of reaction I was expecting from John..his eyes popping out or maybe a little drool..I don't know...but what I didn't expect was no reaction at all..nope nothing...

I reminded him several times about the pictures I'd wanted to get...him and I on the beach (I have one morgan took) me with the kids and the kids in the jeep..."we have plenty of time" he'd say....I ended up with 4 pictured of myself on this trip..one Morgan took..one John took of the back of my head and two I took of myself with my phone..

By the time we got home I was fed up and completely aggravated..not a fun way to end your trip...As we sat out on the steps the other night, through tears I told him how disappointed I was. Not with the trip, but with him...I don't know why he acts like he does when we travel..when he clearly knew all I wanted were pictures and memories I could share and look back on...he knew this and couldn't do it for me..It's also sad that if I were to put up the ONE picture of myself on the beach in a bathing suit, you guys would all cheer me on and say something nice...people I don't even personally know are my biggest cheer leaders..and the one person I need it from the most remains clueless.

Being a mom and a wife can be hard...being a mom and a wife to a selfish prick while on vacation, is even harder.

( I will add a photo album to my page and share the pictures of the trip if anyone wants to check them out)

Damn you thyroid of steel...

Sadly at this point my thyroid of steel became a joke at the doctors office...But honestly if I didn't laugh.. I wanted to cry....We celebrated Morgan's first birthday.... then the anniversary of my surgery came and went......we got through the holidays.... then it was time to gear up for round 3....Off my meds I went....this time it really felt like no big deal...and it was an even smaller dose...

The girls loved staying with my parents...so that part was not a problem...the problem this time was, my parents lived in mass...we lived in maine...and John was going away snowmobiling for a few days..exactly the same time I'd be radio active....I didn't want to stay home alone and I couldn't stay at my parents because of the kids....soooo I went on an ALL guys snowmobile trip with John....what an experience that turned out to be....I was the running joke the entire time...Hey Ash are you glowing?? Hey Ash can you come stand next to my food and heat it up??? Hey John when you kiss her does she spark...hahaha... very funny guys!!

Like the other times the first day or so I was okay..but by the third day I was miserable...I sucked it up and did what I had to do so John still enjoyed his guys trip....the guys took good care of me and knew what I was going through...they didn't care if I wanted to pull over for a break...or go to bed early....
 we still laugh about me tagging along it to this day....

I don't remember going back for another scan....I don't remember much about the meds after that last treatment..I remember being frustrated about how I still felt..now 25 yrs old...I felt fat...depressed...worn down...I felt like I was someone I wasn't supposed to be....I actually remember just saying fuck it and not going back to the endocrinologist for a while....I'm not sure if it was because I didn't want to get any more bad news..or if I just needed a break....

When I moved to New Hampshire.... I found an endocrinologist in Hampton who was pretty good and much closer for blood work...but this guy was more into the diabetes side of the endocrine system so he didn't really do much for me and was constantly changing my doses...and every time something about my dose changed...I changed.....weight gain/ weight loss..anxiety..depression..fatigue..hair loss..etc...

Lucky for me this endocrinologist moved his practice and he was replaced by a lady..I still see her and really like her a lot...she's awesome and takes me very seriously and most importantly listens to what I have to say...she is also very thorough ...she has kept up with my blood work and ultra sounds...I have my blood drawn every 7 weeks and she calls me and lets me know the results right away...

During an appointment last May....she was saying how surprised she was that I can tolerate the amount of medication I take....so she wanted me to give her the run down on when I take my meds....When do you take your medication??... In the morning....what do you take it with??.. My coffee...what do you put in your coffee??...Cream...did you know cream has calcium in it and that will block your medication???... Nope I didn't....how long have you been taking your meds this way??
10 yrs!!!

So I had been taking my meds with something that blocked the absorption and depending on how much coffee I drank each morning and how much cream I dumped in... it was always a crap shoot on the amount of medication my body was getting!!!!

All these years and they never asked and I never knew how in the world my levels where constantly off....So let's fix this...sounds easy right??? WRONG!!!

 Basically they calculate your meds on your weight...so I should be taking roughly 108mcg (micrograms) per day...I have been taking almost 200mcg daily....so since May I have changed my schedule....I now take my meds at night....now every time I have my blood drawn my levels are through the roof..because I don't have anything blocking it anymore...she has been changing the dose very slowly...taking a half of tab away at a time... I wait 7 weeks on the new dose and then they check...it's been long and stressful and every blood draw I'm excited to hear the results...but so far every time has been another medication change and another 7 long weeks of feeling like total shit...

The last medication change was the worst..I called and begged to be seen...I explained how awful I felt...They were sorry but I'd have to wait out the 7 weeks until it leveled out and they could check the bloodwork...I swear it was the longest 7 weeks I've had in a long time....It's harder now to hide it....I get moody and tired...I have a hard time focusing on simple things like helping my kids with homework...  I swear sometimes I feel like I'm on another planet...

 Finally it was time for my bloodwork...she also called and said she would like to schedule an ultrasound.....ok sure...

Two weeks ago I had my bloodwork and ultrasound... going to the ultrasound I felt uneasy...I can't explain why...I just did...They took me right in and I laid down...having them press on your neck with that stupid thing sucks...It's hard not to swallow...we went over my history and I noticed she was spending more time and taking more pictures of a certain spot...she called in another person and the mood changed...I fought back the tears and tried to breath...I'm reading into this I know it...it was over and I remember her saying that they would have the radiologist read this right away and my doctor would have the results by the morning....results of what?? wasn't this just a routine ultra sound??... My husband told me to relax...my friends said don't worry....I never got a call so I figured no news was good news....

It's so easy for people to simply say "don't worry...things will be fine"...after they tell you these words and even though they really do mean it...their life goes on...they are not waiting...wondering....worrying I will not be relieved until I hear there is nothing in there....I'm not saying that waiting for results aren't hard on everyone....but I think the anticipation of results is a bit more intense for someone who's had cancer.....every time I'm sick for a long time...every pain that doesn't go away...every weird unexplained symptom... I'm not gonna lie....I think oh shit it's come back to finish it's job...it's come back to get me...I don't know if I'll ever be worry free of this...ever...

In 28 days the little person that was growing in my belly when that lump was found will be 11...it's been almost 11 yrs!!  Some days I look back and cannot believe it....some days it seems like yesterday....it was a crazy experience....that is for sure...and I wouldn't wish it on anyone...

The past 11 yrs haven't always revolved around this...it's something I've learned to deal with and live with everyday....I've been healthy and fortunate enough to travel with my husband and kids...we snowmobile in the winter and camp in the summer...After being a stay at home mom and doing daycare out of my home I recently went back to school and now work as an LNA...life is good!!

Last week I showed up for my appointment....First thing is step on the scale....I'd lost a few lbs...always a good thing in my book...the nurse rooms me and takes my blood pressure and asks how I am feeling....I tell her crappy and she writes down everything I say....finally my adorable little doctor comes in....she sits and says ...well what do you think I'm going to tell you??... I say..my meds have got to be off I feel like crap ....she tells me I'm correct.....go figure....so we decrease once again and wait...

Moving on...she brings up the ultra sound....I can feel my eyes start to water and burn..deep breaths...and then she says it...They found malignant looking lymph nodes on the same side they found my tumor.....she went on to say that the cancer markers in my blood are non detectable and that is very positive...lymph nodes can looks weird for a number of reasons so there's no need to panic...we will have more blood work in 7 weeks and a follow up ultra sound in a few months...have a nice day...

I cried all the way home...I took some time off from work and changed my schedule a little bit...I'm trying not to let this worry take over...waiting sucks..medication sucks..blood work sucks...cancer sucks

 I know a lot of people that have read this didn't know any of it....it's not something you just meet someone and share...Hi my name is Ash and I had cancer...no it's not like that...although I'm not bothered by my scar and don't mind talking about this...it's not a trophy..for me it's a painful reminder..

I've also had people that are very close to me ask themselves..where was I??..what the hell was I doing when you were going through this??...well I have asked myself the same things...why didn't I share more?? ..why didn't I ask for more help???...I think during tough times you go into survival mode..and I was probably doing just that...surviving..

I believe everything happens for a reason...I never did before until I got diagnosed with cancer...I don't think I got cancer for a reason.. I think I got pregnant  for a reason...If I had never gotten pregnant..they may not have found the lump....maybe not until it was to late ...do I think I had the best cancer ever??...NO...but I do think it could have been a lot worse...
                               I believe I got my guardian angel early...her name is Morgan

Morgan 1st birthday

Treatment~Round Two

While my kids were happy to have me home and the baby was growing and thriving..I felt like I was dying...Was I??  Honestly I didn't know....I had crazy symptoms and didn't know how to deal with them....I was a person that was never sick, never saw the doctor, didn't take medications....and now all of a sudden I as doing all of the above...

After the first round of Radioactive iodine I didn't really feel the effects until later on...I started losing hair..I couldn't lose the baby weight....I was tired...I felt aggravated all the time....I was jittery and high strung and even though I was tired I couldn't sleep...And most of all I was mad as hell that I felt this way....I was the type of mother that would have dropped anything for a walk to the park...I had patience for silly things and loved being a mom...All sudden I wasn't that person anymore..it took all I had just to get out of bed in the morning..

To look at me you would have never know anything was wrong...it was all internal...I remember John being upset that I had no sex drive...I remember Sarah being confused on why I didn't want to push her on the swings for the 500th time...and when Morgan would cry in the middle of the night I remember thinking just go to fucking sleep!!

Life doesn't stop when you have cancer....some days you just have to suck it the fuck up because there are people counting on you...I had two little people that depended on me...I remember one day calling John and just snapping....I couldn't take the stress anymore....I hated everything and everyone...That day I made myself a doctors appointment because I knew I needed help...My regular Doctor could not see me so I saw his nurse...I walked in with Morgan and sat down and could barely speak...the emotions took over and I broke down..She asked me if there was someone she could call...Yes, call my sister...and she did...what I didn't realize is this nurse new nothing about what I'd just been through..she saw me and a brand new baby and make a quick judgement...she thought I was a young overwhelmed mother that possibly had postpartum depression...she was calling my sister to come get Morgan...did she really think I'd hurt my own baby???

I was pissed and after explaining why I was there...she said to go back to the hospital in burlington, she would call ahead and have someone waiting for me...thank god!!  I took the girls to my parents for the night and went to the hospital E.R....when I walked in and told them my name..they had in fact been waiting for me...They gave me a room, took my vitals and took some blood...and then they walked in...A crisis management team...Are you serious??  Oh they were very serious, and they looked at me like I was nuts...They asked me a million questions and watched my reactions...have you taken any drugs..Does radio active iodine count??  Have you gone through any trauma...Just found out I had cancer!!.. All that didn't seem to matter to them...why weren't they listening to me....Would you ever hurt your children...I remember saying noway and crying feeling defeated....why are you crying?? why are you so emotional?? Well wouldn't you be???

They told me they had to leave and go and discuss with their team of crazy's weather or not I could go home....I wished I'd never come...I was just looking for help....about an hour later the E.R. doctor came in and said "I'm so sorry" ...why was I being committed??.. No they had finally gotten my lab results and my thyroid level was through the roof....what had happened was...when I had the radioactive iodine and the thyroid was destroyed it released all of the thyroid hormone into my body...I wasn't crazy...I had 3 times the normal amount of thyroid hormone in my body...I left with some ativan instead of a straight jacket...

So after that nightmare things settled down and leveled out and I began taking medication...I couldn't do the second radioactive iodine treatment right away, there had to be several months in between...I felt pretty good, normal....the kids were awesome..Morgan by this time was sitting up and Sarah was smart as a whip...we were hanging out with friends and it felt good...until it was time for the next treatment...in order for my thyroid to suck up the iodine I had to go off my meds...the meds that kept my energy level up...the meds that kept my hair growing..the meds that kept me feeling sane...I had to go off of them for 4 weeks...I can do this..I had to...It was a fight everyday...I'd never been tired...I'd never been depressed..I was the person that would have dropped everything and jumped in her car and driven 100 miles to nowhere just for the adventure...and now I could barely make it out of my driveway...

I made it through the 4 weeks of no meds and once again had the radioactive iodine...this time it was a lesser dose and I only had to be away from the girls for 5 days....John was working at an airport in Maine so instead of being alone in the house I decided to go with him..I was happy to get away...but this time it hit me a hell of a lot harder than last time...not only did I have no meds in my system.. this was killing off the last bit of working thyroid I had...I remember not wanting to be by myself and John not wanting to leave me in the hotel...so he wrapped me up in a blanket and I sat in his truck on the runway while he worked...I slept most of the time and I did some reading...I was pale and weak and my neck hurt this time...this was the first time I felt like a sick person..

I couldn't wait to get home to the girls and get back on my meds...at least now with my thyroid totally gone there would be no worry....it took a long time to regulate my meds but I was feeling better...my hair didn't come back the same.. it was thin, dry and turning grey at the age of 24...I didn't drop all my baby weight and I was used to being very thin...this was hard for me to get used to...but I felt better....I got a bit of a break and enjoyed the summer...we actually moved to Maine where John was working and getting away was awesome!!  I did commute the 3 hours back and fourth for appointments because I didn't want to change doctors...but we would make it a sleepover at meme and papas and all was pretty good...

It was coming up on a year since the surgery..I couldn't believe Morgan was turning a year old...she was a great baby..laid back and super sweet...And Sarah was the mayor of our house..she called the shots..I was enjoying every minute of being with them...

At my doctors appointment she said it was time to get a routine scan...but my meds would need tweaking so I could be injected with a small amount of iodine... whatever cells, if any where left they would absorb the iodine....bring it on!!

It was winter and the only things I can remember about being off my meds were constantly being freezing cold and gaining weight...I showed up for the scan and it was just like before...been there done that...I got this!!

Then I got a call....Ding Ding..round 3 of radio active iodine had been ordered