The first step in my journey to finding happiness!

 What's up guys!!

Finally a (semi) quiet afternoon at home. Dog snoring, laundry going and I'm trying to ignore my phone and cram in 100 things at once.  I'm on day 31 of my 2nd 75Hard and if there is one thing it's taught me, it's how to prioritize and schedule to get shit done!! 

In my last blog I touched base about not needing permission to reinvent yourself after thyroid cancer or even while dealing with anything thats altering the way you live your life. 

For years I'd tried so hard to keep my "normal" and live as who I was, or who I'd been for 24 yrs. Except, it wasn't working.  I didn't know how to navigate this new body, that was achy and tired and literally just pissed off at the world.   All that exhaustion and confusion, literally altered me personally. I wasn't the same, I didn't function the same, I didn't feel the same.  Yet I was trying SO HARD to be the fucking same!! 

I lived in that up down turmoil for years. YEARS!!  And I think the hard part is, you're also trying to navigate life. Kids, husbands, houses, bills, jobs etc.  So all the stress just blends together and you might not even realize that your lack of thyroid or new found thyroid issues are even a culprit to your stress. 

For me it came out as unhappiness.  I remember, waking up from survival mode one day and thinking to myself. My god, I've forgotten what genuine happiness feels like. Seriously!  It was at that moment I knew I couldn't keep going pretending I was ok. 

Thyroid stuff, like a lot of other medical, physical or mental issues is pretty much invisible to other people. So it can feel hard to explain just how awful you feel.  And I'm telling you, if it's not addressed it will wear you down like nothing else I've ever experienced. 

So what the heck are you going to do about it??  First I'd encourage you if this at all sounds familiar, to be 100% honest with yourself and how you feel internally.   Don't just think it, say it out loud, or write it down. You don't have to share it with anyone if you don't want to or haven't already.  But I can tell you from my experience of being in a hyper vigilance state , it can be hard to let your guard down and start to really feel what you're feeling ( if that makes sense).  My strategy for years was to ignore, ignore, ignore. 

So What's the next move in being happy, motivated and getting back to a life you love.  First you need to at least be able to tolerate yourself!!  Because you're not running away from your mind OR your body. So why the hell not, create a place where you WANT to live. Re-invent yourself!! 

After the day I came to the realization I hadn't been genuinely happy for about a decade. I had this great idea I was going to start doing something for me. I wanted to get in shape and the only way I knew how was to start running.  I can tell you right now, I am not and will never be a runner!!  But it was something I could try out and could do just for me. So I did, because in my head of chaos, running was going to fix everything. 

So I started small. Fast walks first, I had this 2 mile loop not far from my house I could do. Eventually I could almost run ( fast walk, slow jog) the whole thing. I'd leave my house early in the morning  before any of the kids were awake and I'd just go. Rain, shine, I showed up for myself. And I remember a particular day I was just feeling out of control and I didn't want to go. So while I was walking I started to go over in my head all the reasons why I was doing this. That wasn't working. So I started to say out loud, all the things I wanted to gain from running. And before I was done, I was running as hard as I could belting out all the the shit I wanted to gain , that I'd never felt worthy of.  I'm talking, tears streaming, heart pounding, sweaty hair flying running screaming out loud down the side of the road what had been locked up in my head for who knows how long. 

To say I was relieved and horrified all at the same time is an understatement. And I will never forget that run for as long as I live, because the stuff that came pouring out of my mouth was shocking to even me and I was the one saying it!! It was stuff I'd been embarrassed to admit I wanted.  But it was all real. 

So how did I get it. Well first I realized after that run, I wasn't going to be a runner. I didn't even like running!! So I had to figure out what other things I could do for me, to bring those desires to life. This took time. Years of navigating feelings, honesty and stepping into my own personal truth, which didn't happen or change at once. Small steps people, small steps. 

 I started a business so I could be in control of what I did and the hours I worked. I joined a gym and hired a trainer. I paid someone to make my meal plans so I could learn about nutrition. I got a therapist. And I will tell you, the whole honesty thing is something you have to work on constantly! 

I'd try something new and if I was discouraged I'd make excuses, because it's an easy default. But after being in therapy and then being able to be honest with a therapist. Reading A TON of self help type books. And  connecting  to myself in a more spiritual way, which feels right for me. Everything started to feel easier, more rewarding, and aligned. I was starting to feel happy. I was fucking happy for myself!!

I'm actually going to end this here, because don't want to throw in the next part without you really thinking about this first step of honestly and deciding how you want to to live and what it looks like in your life to show up as that person you need. 

The next blog I will get into a little deeper and give you the tools I learned to be able to coach myself through the last few years and what I used to set intention so I could show up and be the person I was happy being everyday. 

xoxo

Ash

What I wish I'd had after thyroid cancer

 I used to catch myself saying " I wish I'd had that, or I wish I'd done that after thyroid cancer" . I had my thyroid removed at age 24, after being diagnosed with thyroid cancer during my second pregnancy at 15 weeks pregnant.

Having a baby in general and going from one child to two, is an adjustment in itself. Never mind navigating the whole no thyroid part!!

Looking back I wished I'd had a team of Dr's that talked and took all aspects of my care seriously. No thyroid, new medication AND postpartum, are you kidding me!! My gynecologist and my endocrinologist didn't take the other into consideration. Honestly I should have had a team supporting me. 

Let me tell you a little story. 

After my first round of of RAI ( radio active iodine)  I felt like I was spiraling out of control and had never felt that way before. I could barely function. I went to see my regular PCP, and I had to see his nurse instead. I walked in probably exhausted and upset carrying my brand new baby, just weeks after surgery. I was asking for help. 

Instead of going over what had transpired in the last few weeks, drawing thyroid levels or calling my endocrinologist to see if what I was experiencing may have been a side effect. The nurse looked at me, listened to why I was there and told me she would be right back. I remember sitting there thinking, she was coming back with a solution.

When the door to the exam room opened my sister walked in. My first thoughts was she must have seen my car in the parking lot and had an appointment too. I thought she tracked me down to say hi and see her brand new niece who was sleeping soundly in her seat next to me. But she had a puzzled look on her face, and asked me what was wrong. Confused, I said I wasn't feeling well and asked what she was doing there.  Turns out the nurse had called my sister to come pick up my newborn, she thought I was unsafe to care for her. I felt completely blindsided!! 

The nurse suggested I head down to the hospital that I had my surgery done, she was going call ahead and let them know I was coming.  I thought THANK GOD, people who will know what to do and how to actually help me. But when I got to the E.R. there was a psych team waiting for me. I was in complete shock. I had labs drawn as part of the protocol and was interviewed and asked questions for hours. Did I want to take my own life, did I want to hurt my children. Why was I teary. Why was I so angry. 

I just had a baby, my thyroid removed and started treatment for cancer, HOW THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO FEEL AND LOOK!!!! 

AFTER HOURS of being asked the same questions, a fucking interrogation. The E.R. Dr. came in, told them to leave and apologized to me. My Thyroid levels we off the charts. I was having major Hyperthyroid symptoms, something I figured medical professionals would've have been aware of considering what I'd been dealing with. Zero communication. 

Another thing I wished I done, is therapy!! I think therapy should be available for anyone with a cancer diagnosis. Or even talked about as something I should have been considering.  Support groups and social media weren't a thing back then! 

I think I also would've liked a clear picture of what I'd be up against. Side effects, symptoms to look out for. Things to do, Things to avoid. Holy Shit it's like they just cut you loose and you have to figure it out as this whole new person. It's Bullshit!!

I used to wish daily for my body back. No fatigue, puffiness , aches pains etc. Being able to shop and find things that would fit for a period of time. A size that stayed!!! 

Being confident in my body. I felt like I wanted to be invisible whenever I had to dress up, or even trying to feel like I fit in at the gym. I was always thinking, they don't know I don't have a thyroid. 

Having the drive to actually reach my goals with weight loss, I was convinced until just last year that if I lost weight, I'd feel happy and confident. 

How did I over come these?? It wasn't easy and it didn't happen over night. I slowly started to look into exactly what I needed to do to get where I wanted to be. I joined the gym and got a trainer to show me the best ways to train my body. I played around with meal plans and foods to figure out which ones worked and didn't. When I found something that worked I just kept repeating it. This is how I built my routine. I am STILL a huge planner, list maker and thrive on schedules. 

I didn't even start REALLY working on myself until a few years ago. And it wasn't the confidence I lacked, It was courage. The courage to show up as myself, no matter how I felt. The courage to keep showing up even when something wasn't working. The courage to try over and over AND OVER. 

THAT is what gave me confidence. I still have my moments in the gym etc. But I can tell you I no longer worry what people think. 

Last year I pushed myself and completed 75hard, I'm getting ready to start and do it all over again this week. The program taught me many things about myself, but the take aways relating to body image were eye opening. I was so self conscious and losing 15 lbs did NOT bring me happiness. What it did help me do was love myself for being strong. And learn to love the entire process of my body changing and being capable of hard things and pushing limits.

You CAN do hard things. The secrets of gaining that courage and being successful is 1. Detach from the outcome, and any time frame expectation you have. Don't focus on the end result, instead focus on the steps you need to do in-between. Build yourself a plan to follow. 2. Just keep trying, thats all you have to do. 

Xo Ash

The top 5 things I struggled with after Thyroid Cancer

 The top 5 things I struggled with after having my thyroid removed in 2001

Energy & Fatigue

It always seemed to hit out of nowhere and I'm not talking a little yawn like when you're tired. I'm talking about when you can't even think straight tired. I think thats where all my brain fog came from, mental fatigue! I was constantly reaching for a pick me up, a quick fix, ANYTHING that I thought would help. But they were all temporary, I needed something permanent. 

I worked on routine routine routine!! I go to bed early. As soon as I'm feeling tired and have nothing to do other than sit and mindlessly scroll social media, I go to bed. I also rarely watch t.v. in my bedroom. I'll occasionally read if my kids are being loud downstairs. But science says, that if you only use your bedroom to sleep, it's trains your brain to fall asleep faster when you lay down. I typically fall asleep in minutes. 

I get up early, even on my days off. This was not something that came natural. I LOVE sleep. But I'm much more productive if I'm up hours before I need to actually do anything. Also after listening to a podcast about morning routines, I learned that hitting the snooze button actually F*cks up your whole day!!  I was hitting the snooze button at least 4 times every morning. I'd set my alarm purposely so I knew I could hit it over and over. And I was actually screwing myself up every damn day. Apparently when you fall back to sleep, your body starts a new sleep cycle, and a sleep cycle can take up to 70 min to complete!! So when you disrupt it,  your body wants to go back to bed!! Then you're groggy and dragging ass!! So I started to get right up with the alarm, and now my body just naturally wakes up before my alarm ( most days) and I'm good to go!! 

Fresh air and sunshine, as much as I can get! Outside walks daily, or any daily movement that is intentional. Not standing or walking at work. Or cleaning your house. Something intentional that you're choosing to do for yourself. I also don't wear headphones on walks outside. I feel more engaged and connected to myself. I'm forced to be with my thoughts and ides without distraction. Sometimes I even walk and talk out loud to myself, I use this time to map out goals. This was a game changer. 

Food. I figured out the foods that work well in my body and the ones that don't. This takes TIME. It's taken me years to figure this out. Good carbs vs not so good carbs. Realizing carbs aren't always the enemy and listening to my body when it needs a carb load day. My body runs better, and feels better eating lower carb and high protein. On the days I need extra, I treat myself to eating out or grab a pizza!

Weight Loss

OMG I feel like I'm still trying to figure this one out. But, what I have learned and trained myself to do and really feel this is key on being able to keep going even if somethings not working. FALL IN LOVE WITH THE PROCESS!! And YOURSELF along the way. I can remember all the years I spend avoiding mirrors, dressing rooms etc. It was like torture, staring at myself and seeing all my flaws. And don't get me going on all the negative self talk. If you're guilty of this STOP RIGHT NOW!! There are studies that show, your brain believes what you tell it!! You can't shame yourself into a positive way of life.  Think about it, you bash yourself and then realistically you feel like shit. You don't feel happy. I've never called myself fat in the mirror and walked away feeling pretty. So cut it out!!    If you don't already have one go buy a full length mirror. I have one on the inside of my closet door. Use it to take pics, just for yourself. You can delete them later, but trust me when you start to make progress you will  be glad you have the old ones. Because progress isn't always measured on the scale.  

Speaking of scale, before I weigh myself I always ask this questions. Will what I see hurt me or help me today? Then I decide. My scale is also in a really out of the way spot in my basement, I have to intentionally go to that spot if I want to weigh myself. 

Sleep, I feel like this ones obvious but maybe not. When you're not dragging ass you're more likely to follow through with your healthier habits because you feel better. The more you're dragging, the more likely you're gonna grab an extra coffee or a soda for an afternoon pick me up. It's also way easier to say screw it to a workout when you're tired. 

Gym Program, or workout program. There are plenty of at home programs if you're not a gym person. Having something to follow is key. You might have to try different things, YouTube is awesome. I hate fast paced dancey type workout videos. If I have to follow them I quit!! But there are tons of free ones. 

I paid a trainer to give me a gym program and show me how to run through it, best thing I've ever done. I also paid for a meal plan in the beginning. I was clueless and wanted to learn. It's worth paying someone to get you started, based on your needs and body type etc. I also started following people on instagram that have a  similar body type as me. I'm never going to be a curvy model type. I'm built like an awkward teenage boy. Follow people with your goals. Take their advice and watch what they do. 

Play around with meals. I am happier eating 4-5 meals per day with snacks, I LOVE snacks! I don't mean junk. I mean I'll have a full meal protein shake, cucumbers, pickles, rice cakes with almond butter and my newest obsession is magic spoon cereal and cereal bars! I just recently cut out dairy, I was having some digestions problems and even after cutting out yogurt and cottage cheese it took me 2 weeks to feel better. I will eventually add the yogurt back to see if it really made a difference.

I do not suggest changing everything all at once, because if you end up feeling shitty you won't know what to change. It takes time, and you might get frustrated and quit before you see any progress if your try to change everything at once.  I also mix up my plans and meals every few weeks so I'm not bored. Be patient with yourself, goals don't happen over night. 

I added weight training and cycle in cardio. I also found my fav online home programs and invested in them so I could download them and have them. If I'm not feeling like driving all the way to the gym, I can still get in a good workout with weights. If you go this route, go get yourself some weights. You don't have to get crazy. All I have at home are 10's and 15lbs. Those are all I use and still get in a great workout. 

Giving myself a break

I used too beat the shit out of myself and my mind if I wasn't pushing at 100mph all the time. I'm still trying to figure out where that comes from. Realizing I needed to accept myself and work with what I have as far as not having a thyroid took me forever.  And once I started to see results, I had this mentality that if I wasn't pushing and driving myself every min I'd fall right back into thyroid hell. That terrified me!!  Now I know it's healthy to rest and that you need some sort of balance. I have to remind myself all the time that a day off is not failing. 

Mental Health

I used to be so angry. I actually wasn't originally going to list this one, but I was really angry and all of a sudden had mental health issues I'd never had before. Brain fog & memory loss were things that really wore me down. Nobody prepared me for what this ride was going to be like. All of a sudden I was hit with all this chaos in my head and I didn't know what to do. And I was pissed, all the time!! On top of physically feeling like shit, my head was all kinds of screwed up. And you have ZERO control, if your medication is just a little off. If you're not having your labs checked all the time, it's a slow progression and can kinda just creep up on you. You might not even realize your mood swings, but the people around you most likely will. And that used to make me feel even more mad!! 

Now I am very diligent with my labs and medication. Thats another reason why my routines are so important. If I start finding I'm forgetting my medication, I know I'm off. That actually does happen and it's  something I notice. If all my boxes are checked off and I'm still struggling, I go have my labs drawn. If you don't have a doc who is willing to check them when you feel off, find another doctor. 

Self Worth

Not feeling enough, I'm still working on this everyday as well and thats ok. I think we lose some of our identity with a cancer diagnosis or maybe I didn't want thyroid cancer to be part of my identity. I don't know. My body changed so much, and I wasn't ready for that to be my new normal. Weight gain, hair loss and the hair I had left turned gray at the age 24!! Trying to navigate all of that, I lost my self confidence somewhere along the way. Then I found I was using the "I have no thyroid" crutch  for years. 

Well GUESS WHAT, you get to reinvent yourself any time you want!! And if you're living with no thyroid, or a cancer diagnosis. You're a fucking badass!!! I know you might not feel like it right now, but you are and you will your power in this. 

I'm literally a totally different person than I was 5 years ago. And my biggest person growth has been just within the last year. I'm not even the same person I was a few months ago. Just keep growing!! 

xoxox Ash