What's up guys!!
Finally a (semi) quiet afternoon at home. Dog snoring, laundry going and I'm trying to ignore my phone and cram in 100 things at once. I'm on day 31 of my 2nd 75Hard and if there is one thing it's taught me, it's how to prioritize and schedule to get shit done!!
In my last blog I touched base about not needing permission to reinvent yourself after thyroid cancer or even while dealing with anything thats altering the way you live your life.
For years I'd tried so hard to keep my "normal" and live as who I was, or who I'd been for 24 yrs. Except, it wasn't working. I didn't know how to navigate this new body, that was achy and tired and literally just pissed off at the world. All that exhaustion and confusion, literally altered me personally. I wasn't the same, I didn't function the same, I didn't feel the same. Yet I was trying SO HARD to be the fucking same!!
I lived in that up down turmoil for years. YEARS!! And I think the hard part is, you're also trying to navigate life. Kids, husbands, houses, bills, jobs etc. So all the stress just blends together and you might not even realize that your lack of thyroid or new found thyroid issues are even a culprit to your stress.
For me it came out as unhappiness. I remember, waking up from survival mode one day and thinking to myself. My god, I've forgotten what genuine happiness feels like. Seriously! It was at that moment I knew I couldn't keep going pretending I was ok.
Thyroid stuff, like a lot of other medical, physical or mental issues is pretty much invisible to other people. So it can feel hard to explain just how awful you feel. And I'm telling you, if it's not addressed it will wear you down like nothing else I've ever experienced.
So what the heck are you going to do about it?? First I'd encourage you if this at all sounds familiar, to be 100% honest with yourself and how you feel internally. Don't just think it, say it out loud, or write it down. You don't have to share it with anyone if you don't want to or haven't already. But I can tell you from my experience of being in a hyper vigilance state , it can be hard to let your guard down and start to really feel what you're feeling ( if that makes sense). My strategy for years was to ignore, ignore, ignore.
So What's the next move in being happy, motivated and getting back to a life you love. First you need to at least be able to tolerate yourself!! Because you're not running away from your mind OR your body. So why the hell not, create a place where you WANT to live. Re-invent yourself!!
After the day I came to the realization I hadn't been genuinely happy for about a decade. I had this great idea I was going to start doing something for me. I wanted to get in shape and the only way I knew how was to start running. I can tell you right now, I am not and will never be a runner!! But it was something I could try out and could do just for me. So I did, because in my head of chaos, running was going to fix everything.
So I started small. Fast walks first, I had this 2 mile loop not far from my house I could do. Eventually I could almost run ( fast walk, slow jog) the whole thing. I'd leave my house early in the morning before any of the kids were awake and I'd just go. Rain, shine, I showed up for myself. And I remember a particular day I was just feeling out of control and I didn't want to go. So while I was walking I started to go over in my head all the reasons why I was doing this. That wasn't working. So I started to say out loud, all the things I wanted to gain from running. And before I was done, I was running as hard as I could belting out all the the shit I wanted to gain , that I'd never felt worthy of. I'm talking, tears streaming, heart pounding, sweaty hair flying running screaming out loud down the side of the road what had been locked up in my head for who knows how long.
To say I was relieved and horrified all at the same time is an understatement. And I will never forget that run for as long as I live, because the stuff that came pouring out of my mouth was shocking to even me and I was the one saying it!! It was stuff I'd been embarrassed to admit I wanted. But it was all real.
So how did I get it. Well first I realized after that run, I wasn't going to be a runner. I didn't even like running!! So I had to figure out what other things I could do for me, to bring those desires to life. This took time. Years of navigating feelings, honesty and stepping into my own personal truth, which didn't happen or change at once. Small steps people, small steps.
I started a business so I could be in control of what I did and the hours I worked. I joined a gym and hired a trainer. I paid someone to make my meal plans so I could learn about nutrition. I got a therapist. And I will tell you, the whole honesty thing is something you have to work on constantly!
I'd try something new and if I was discouraged I'd make excuses, because it's an easy default. But after being in therapy and then being able to be honest with a therapist. Reading A TON of self help type books. And connecting to myself in a more spiritual way, which feels right for me. Everything started to feel easier, more rewarding, and aligned. I was starting to feel happy. I was fucking happy for myself!!
I'm actually going to end this here, because don't want to throw in the next part without you really thinking about this first step of honestly and deciding how you want to to live and what it looks like in your life to show up as that person you need.
The next blog I will get into a little deeper and give you the tools I learned to be able to coach myself through the last few years and what I used to set intention so I could show up and be the person I was happy being everyday.
xoxo
Ash
