Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Dear Daughter....who doesn't listen

Dear daughter,

Today you are mad at me, but you brought this on yourself....You take me for a joke and I'm sick and tired of it. I've said it until you don't even hear me anymore and I warned you months ago this very thing would happen...maybe you thought I was bluffing...you have had plenty of chances and I've been much more than lenient...maybe that was the problem.

I know you are busy...you are good in school and you play an after school sport..I get it...you don't think I do..but I get it.

I do not make rules to be a "beast" I make rules so you will know how to act and succeed in life when you are older...there are rules in school..rules when you get a job..and rules in life...the consequences of breaking those rules are far worse than the ones I have here at home...

You continue to not follow the simple rules I am asking of you...no eating/drinking in the living room...leaving cups and water bottles in your room..not picking up your stuff...and the biggest one, leaving your clothes all over your floor.

You can plead that my room as a kid was a mess...you can tell me it's your room who cares...well guess what??? I CARE.

I bought those clothes and find it disrespectful to see them thrown on the floor... this is not the first time we have talked about this...this has been going on for months...your closet is big enough to easily fit everything you own....you have no excuse beside being lazy and not giving a rats ass what I have asked of you.

For the past month you have begged and pleaded for a few new things (clothing)..again your father and I both have repeatedly told you once you can keep the clothes in the closet and not on the floor, you would earn a trip to the mall.

Even though you did NOT do your part, I decided to cut you a break...I would give you one last chance and this past Sunday I surprised you with a trip to the mall..just you and me.

We started off at Dunkin Donuts for our favorite iced coffees and then stopped for lunch before we shopped. It was a fun day. I haven't had a Sunday off from work in over a month and decided I'd love to spend it with you..

The amount of money you were able to spend in 2 hours...takes me almost two 12 hour shifts to earn..

You got what you wanted, I was no longer the "beast" I was the day before...

It is not my fault you wait for weeks until you do your laundry..you have a set laundry day that YOU CHOOSE to ignore...you would rather wait until you have nothing to wear and then complain that other people are using the washer... that is YOUR CHOICE.

I told you the easiest way to complete the entire laundry task it to fold it right out of the dryer and then put it away..it's actually very simple...you assured me and promised I would not see the hundreds of dollars worth of clothes I'd just bought on your floor.

It's now obvious to me that you do not give a $h@t about what I say...ask...or do for you, because this is what I walked into this morning when I was going to vacuum YOUR room.

You claim you did your laundry last night and didn't have time to fold it and put it away.....Last night while I was at work, away from my family..working until all hours..and tired, I vaguely remember receiving a text saying how tired you were from having to stay up and finish your laundry and an English assignment...then if I remember correctly that same person standing next to my bed this morning asking for an extra hour of sleep because you were up late doing laundry and homework...and what did I do???? I LET YOU SLEEP IN and drove your ass into school late!!!!!

 I warned you this would happen....I told you I'd had enough...you chose not to listen to me and that is your own fault..NOT MINE....I work damn hard for those clothes you have and the things you do...I will not feel bad because there are rules in my house...I will not have guilt when you are mad at me...I am your mom and the rules I have in MY HOUSE are for a reason..I'm sorry if you don't like them...but chances are in your life you will encounter much harder rules, than just having to fold and put away your own clothes.
Don't bother looking for your clothes...don't worry, you will get them back.. 
when you decide how to earn them.

Love, Mom

Friday, September 20, 2013

Portrait of a thyroid disorder..just another day.

Having a thyroid disorder or in my case not having at thyroid at all, can feel like your lost in the ocean and all you can do is tread water. Your looking for the direction in which to go but even when you figure it out your to tired to get there. So you start to sink.

Today I feel like I'm sinking, maybe tomorrow I'll have the drive and energy to do what I was supposed to get done today.

The pants I wore last week are tight this morning..maybe they will fit tomorrow....my coordination is off...my head is foggy and I'm anxious...I know what this is from..

I wander around my house aimlessly after the girls go to school...I am getting nothing done..I go back and fourth in my head about what I should be doing...I decide to head out for some retail therapy. I need so many things to decorate our new room in the basement and I plan on giving my bathroom a complete overhaul pretty soon. I stop for an iced coffee and hit the road.

I enter the store and grab a cart..it's hard to push and as usual I get the one with the shakey squeaky wheels...I find a few things but nothing I really want and there is lady in my isle that is in my way...I'm aggravated and immediately don't want to be there anymore..I push through the isles because thats what I came for but things are a blur..nothing matches..nothing will look good in my house and nothing feels like it is making sense..

I suddenly feel lost..why was I there again..I need a shower curtain, yes! I head over to the bathroom section and see all the curtains and love them all...I can't choose so I decide to look at the towels, pick a color and go from there....to many towels back to the shower curtains..I narrow it down and make a decision. I go back to the towels and suddenly I hate the colors..I take the shower curtain back and grab another..I hate this one too...I guess my bathroom can wait till another day.

I feel weird and out of place..uncomfortable in my skin and just need to get the hell out of there...I feel like I can't get to the door fast enough...I head home.

 I'm starving...when was the last time I ate something?? What should I have for lunch?? I get home and nothing is appealing...For once I'd love to eat and not feel guilty because my body looks like shit...I need to try harder.

I should be at the gym..I should be working out..It's one of those days and I know going to the gym would be useless...it's days like this I have no stamina and I feel out of control..I settle for yard work but have not made it outside yet..

Maybe a diet coke would make me feel better....I wish I could just make myself feel better..I hate days like this...it's a sucky feeling that not many understand..my husband gets irritated and my kids don't understand why I cannot possibly do one more thing or answer one more question...or why something like the volume of the TV has made me snap.

Am I depressed??? Am I working to many hours??? To many after school activities for the girls??? Give yourself a break people say...If I gave myself a break every time I had one of these days..I'd have no life..It's my medication and I know it...I call the doc and they will see me in 3 weeks..."sorry but you will have to live in hell till then, have a nice day!" Great...

You feel the lump in your throat and the tears are blurring your vision...you tell yourself to suck it up and stop the pity party...

This is your life now...you are no longer who you were before...deal with it!!  Somedays that is just a hard pill to swallow...more jagged than the little blue one that I take to keep me alive..

Monday, June 10, 2013

The great grocery experiment....

Probably like a lot of mom's, I do most of if not all the grocery shopping..there are times John comes with me but I never bring my kids. Brining my kids works me into a lather. I'm usually flustered to the point I can't remember anything and the backs of my ankles are almost always bruised from being rammed into with the cart..and, I spend twice as much if they are with me.

Just after the new year I decided to take a break from my job and cut down my hours..this would be the first time in years I didn't have a regular income coming into the house to help. I knew it would be hard, I'd have to get creative and cut some corners..a small price to pay for my sanity.

But it seems like every week I hear the same thing.."there's nothing to eat"..."wheres all the food".."I don't like that"...I've tried all sorts of things like letting them each pick a night and I make the meal of their choice... letting them give me a list of things they would like....I try to spend around $150 weekly and that usually doesn't include many meats, I buy those at a butcher. I am getting sick and tired of my fridge and cabinets going from packed to bare in 3 days..

John and I have brain stormed a million times about how to get through to them...I want them to realize I could be making them fill up water bottles from the tap..instead of buying their fancy school drinks..that shits not cheap, and when you have two kids with friends and they are sucking them down that gets expensive!!...Still, they look at me like I'm just this nagging mother who will bitch and then just continue to go and buy the stuff they want anyway..and you know what....I do.

I bitch..they ignore me..I go do it all over agin the very next week...OMG I have spoiled bratty kids!!

The girls are now 15 & 11..they are to young for real jobs (most places here you have to be 16 or older) so they really don't have a clue how long it takes to make $150. They don't realize how hard we work to make that money.

When I asked them if they thought $150 was a lot of money they both thought it was...So where's all the food you buy with it??? I wanted them to see exactly how much things cost and what it was like to follow a budget...I announced that they would do the grocery shopping!!

They both looked at me like "yeah right" I'm pretty sure they thought this was just another bitchy moment and it would pass..I have to admit I don't always follow through and bringing them to do the shopping was already sounding like a disaster...I told them to come up with a menu, figure out what they would need and write a list..

Today is Monday..my grocery day..I told myself if I wanted them to learn..I HAD to do this...The teen weaseled her way out of it, she had to study for finals..I cannot say no to studying..and taking just one would be a little easier..so it was Morgan and I...When I picked her up from school, she was thrilled about going..she had her menu planned and knew what she might need..

We get into the grocery store and the kid is clueless...I decided I just couldn't let her run wild and buy anything she wanted..I gave her the $150 budget and reminded her that we have to buy for everyone in the house, not just her. We also needed toilet paper, sandwich bags and a big bag of cat food..that all had to be included in the budget..she assured me $150 was a TON and she could get everything we needed...ok this was going to be good.

She had her list..her calculator and we were good to go....by isle 3, I saw the total creeping up and reminded her we still had whole store to go and we hadn't gotten anything for her recipes..She had decided on corn chowder...chicken pot pie..and meat cakes (mini meat loaf) She was surprised to see what her usual snacks cost and quickly realized that the Store brand 2/$3.00 was the best deal...if she couldn't get the deal, she didn't buy it...she was careful to choose things everyone liked and she chose things that were even amounts so she and Sarah could split it evenly...

I wasn't sure if this was good or bad..I thought for sure she would get to the snack isle and that would be it...she was passing by things she loved..I was actually TRYING to get her to buy junk..."what a rip off" she was saying..."I won't have enough money to buy things for dinner"...                                          

What the fuck was happening!!!

The kid who can't walk and chew gum and obviously couldn't push the cart and use the calculator was telling ME that the bigger pack of hamburg for her meat cakes was a better buy and I could use the left over for something else...

There was still one snack isle and we hadn't hit the produce yet, which is her favorite...I was almost becoming determined to prove her wrong..I wanted her to have to put something back..make a big decision ..chips or carrots..and when we run out of food and are eating chips and cereal for dinner I could say "I told you so"....I watched her cruise through the isles carefully choosing what she wanted..

We get to the produce which was the last leg..I was not looking at the calculator..I thought for sure she was probably over the limit...she got the rest of what she needed and said she was done...we headed to the check out..past the bakery with the cookies she loves and she didn't even give them a second glance..

As I was loading the items up onto the checkout I was excited for her...I knew she had done her best to make sure she got what she thought was important and I was proud of her for that...

I watched as the girl scanned each thing and when she hit total I was in shock..$152.88!! I told her I was pleased and asked her if she was too..."yes, this was fun and next time I'm clipping coupons!!"

I don't know if will have bare cabinets by Thursday...I don't know if we will be eating captain crunch for dinner one night...but what I do know is, my kid was capable of pulling this off...When they are complaining and eating an complaining and eating they are just being kids...I realized today they are listening deep down inside...Today wasn't just a lesson for Morgan..it taught me something too...even when you think your doing a bad job and your at your wits end with your kids...they are watching and listening to you..Today Morgan taught me I'm not doing such a bad job after all.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Life isn't always fair...

I tell my kids all the time work hard and you will be rewarded...work hard in school...work hard in life...if they don't get a good grade or score a goal in sports...I tell them to work harder at it.

I know all kids are different and all kids have different capabilities...like kids, rewards come in all shapes and sizes and any school or any coach or team should be able to recognize someone working hard..sometimes a reward can just be a pat on the back.

Morgan sees the kids in the student council or maybe it's the honor society or the after school extra curricular clubs and she envies them...They are always talked about by the teachers and they are always accomplishing great things...she doesn't gets chosen for these things in school and thats ok...I tell her she can find something is good at, work hard and be amazing!

If you have been following this page you know Morgan is a creative kid, she was knitting hats and we had a pile we didn't know what to do with. She, wanted to make a million dollars...but her school was having a fundraiser for a new water fountain and it got canceled..so she asked if we could try to sell the hats and give the money to her school.

I have to be honest I was nervous, it's not like she is a professional hat maker..who knows if they would sell..maybe they would fall apart..but some pretty awesome people helped her and all her hats sold.

I contacted the lady running the fundraiser and told her what Morgan had done to raise some money she sent back an email saying thank you... I also sent the same email to the principal and got nothing back..nothing.

Morgan worked hard and donated $70.00  to her school..she was SO PROUD and didn't even get a thank you from her principal...I wrote the check out to the student council and she couldn't wait to hand it in and nobody said anything...they have morning meetings on Monday with the middle schoolers where they discuss the week and give shout outs to the kids that have done something good...she thought FOR SURE it would be mentioned, this would be her time to shine..

I waited all day to hear what was said...I picked her up and the look of disappointment said it all...nobody said a word..her hard work was not recognized like I told her it would be... I tried to tell her it was reward enough that she felt good giving the money and now they ARE going to get the water fountain because of her..

I didn't realize how important being recognized was for her...something that seems so small, might mean the world to someone...she didn't want any prize...she just wanted to feel special...take the time to recognize a kid or co-worker..let them know they are doing a good job or that you appreciate them...It's important...

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Vacations Are A Mother..

Ever wondered what it would be like to go on a carefree relaxing vacation...yeah me too.  I could probably ask the three people I just traveled with, my husband and our two daughters. Prob like most wives and mom's I get the brunt of the planning and responsibilities...even while on vacation.
But this time, things were supposed to be different.

We just got back from a 9 day trip to St. Maarten..I guess you could say my expectations were high. The girls are older now and they are no strangers to traveling, we have been fortunate enough to visit some great places and give them some wonderful experiences.

Our trip has come and gone and now all I have to hold onto are the memories...If you ask John, Sarah or Morgan..they will all agree they had the time of their lives...if you were to ask me? I might give you another story.

On the flight home I decided I'd come home and write about this vacation and share all the details and all the times my husband slipped into "dick mode" but as I was gathering my thoughts John must have seen something brewing because he pulled me aside. We sat outside the night after we returned home and reflected on our vacation. He knew something was bothering me, and I'm positive he knew it was him.

This page has been a sore spot a few times between he and I. He doesn't understand what it is, why I have it and why I love it so much. He has never even taken the time to visit this page and has never actually read anything I've written.

Yesterday, I had written all the details about this trip to share and I was going to post it. He came home and asked what I was writing and I told him. A panicked look swept across his face. I told him he could read it before I posted it and he said no. I could tell he was upset, maybe a bit mad that I would tell you about how much of a dumb ass he is when we travel. I told him writing is just an outlet for me..I get to connect with people that know what I'm going through..I guess if you don't want me to share and connect with 1,000 people I don't know, then learn how to connect with me yourself.
The panicked look turned to sadness and decided to I to change what I had written.

I recently have had people write and tell me they follow my page because I'm "real" and I'm glad...I don't live a fairy tale and don't want to pretend I do..My husband can be a total selfish jerk and my kids are pretty much A-holes most of the time..but what are ya gonna do?? Pretend like they aren't?? Now that my vacation is over I have to just look back, shake my head and laugh..

What I was going to post yesterday was just one big ridiculously long bitchy rant..did I have a reason to??  ..hell yes I did..but I figured you didn't want to know every little detail so I deleted most of it..and I told John I wouldn't make him look like a complete jackass..He is really able to do that on his own..

On of my biggest complaints from past vacations is the lack of help I get from John..when we travel his brain shuts off and he turns into a bumbling idiot..before I would even think of going anywhere this time I warned him he better snap out of that shit quick..there is nothing worse than going on a big money trip and feeling like it was time wasted. Trust me, I know...he seems to have this way of sucking the life and fun out of most anything we try to do...I totally get he works hard all year long and wants to relax on the beach, his favorite spot...but so do I.

Last time we were there the girls were content pretending they were dolphins jumping waves and building sand castles. Now that they are older, I knew it would be different and I was determined to connect with them on an older level...Zip lining and cruising around in a jeep with the top off was on the list..I wanted to walk around town and shop at the local fruit stands and let them see what others do to make a living..we decided to grocery shop instead of eat out the whole time and they would see how much things cost in another part of the world..and most of all I planned on having the time of our lives.

Even though John did a lot of the cooking and all the dishes..I have yet to experience the "stress free" part of traveling...his response.."don't bring the kids"...Funny thing he doesn't realize, it's not the kids...it's the lack of parental support I get from him. It's also the lack of respect for me and the things I want to do..I'm a very laid back person and I will not rock the boat if they are all having fun..I'm content on a beach for hours watching my kids enjoy the surf and watching them interact with people from other cultures.

But there were a few important things I really needed from him this time. So instead of waiting until we got there and  expecting him to know what I needed, I decided to lay it all out before we left...before I even booked this trip I told him he needed to be more involved in the planning part. He is very famous for saying "book whatever you want" and then complaining about what we did or didn't do while we were there....next is the flights..he can't believe it when I book it with a layover and questions it EVERY TIME...this time I made him sit and watch me book the flights..he just thinks that because he's so fucking special that there should be direct flights to anywhere he's going and they should all be free..sorry pal, not the case... Just sitting watching ME book the flights was about all his poor man brain could handle. So it was up to me to do the rest..He is clueless what needs to be done..book a place to stay..rent a car..get directions to all the places you want to go, it's nerve wracking!!

Next I brought up two very important things to me..First sun blocking the kids..when you are in the Caribbean you need lots of sunblock and once again I am always the one who gets to lube up each kid and hope I didn't miss a spot while they are flailing around..then making them get out of the water dry off and reapply their sandy little bodies, is even more fun..specially when your other half is just kickin back enjoying himself with no worries. ..."no problem" he says...great!!

Next issue I have is out of all the trips we have taken..there are NO picture of me anywhere...he just doesn't think to pick up the camera and take any, so I have none...I can show you hundreds of them having a good time, but it's like I wasn't even there. This actually hurts me inside more than anything, he knows how important pictures and memories are to me..your life can change in an instant..so I take tons of pictures to capture the moments spent with my kids.  He had no reasons why he never takes pictures and after hearing me tell him how upsetting it is was to me, I know he felt bad. He once again said "no problem" he would take whatever pictures he could and we would have more memories than I could count.

With this all ironed out, I couldn't wait to go!!  I brought two brand new bathing suits and a few sun dresses...I told myself I would live outside my comfort zone and enjoy myself no matter what..I couldn't wait for him to see me all dressed up!

We started our journey and I couldn't wait to just be with them and have fun...we get to the airport and everyones brain shuts off..I'm getting three blank stares and I suddenly feel like I'm the only adult...we get on the plane where I sit with one kid and he sits with the other...they come around and hand out forms for customs, one for each person in your family..I look over and he's clueless..so I fill them out.. Morgan (she's sitting with him) wants to go to the bathroom..she wants a drink..she wants the swedish fish we brought and she wants to color..I look over, yup he's still clueless..

After several hours we arrive and I'm looking for him for help...the altitude apparently scrambled his brain cells because he no longer remembers how to do anything....so I find the rental car, dig out the directions and I get us to the condo..while the three stooges sit back and enjoy the ride.

The first couple days of getting adjusted can always be hard for kids..so we tried to take it easy and just get settled...it was obvious to me within the first few days we were back to our old ways...there was no helping with sunblock..there was no enforcing the rules on the beach..I have to give it to him..the guys got mad skills when it comes to shutting out everyone elses needs.

I decided I wasn't going to flip...I would just do what I had done at home and remind him about the things I really needed help with.."no problem" Low and behold Sarah ended up with a sunburned back, mostly because she is 14 and wanted to apply her own sunblock and second because when I told her to reapply she pretty much gave me the finger and dopey laid on his towel and pretended he was deaf...

By day 4, I was starting to feel the anger build..and once again I get the three blank stares and they all look at me like I'm the psycho bitch vacation ruiner from hell...After arguing with my now crispy teen, yes about sunblock!! I snapped, and before I knew it the sunblock was leaving my hand and hurling straight for her...yup thats right, I threw it at her. We really didn't have many problems after that, with the sunblock.

We visited all the beaches they wanted..we snorkeled and shopped...we went to the market and we enjoyed sunsets by the pool..John, Morgan and I zip lined through the trees, Sarah didn't want to so she sat and read a book...I got some nice pictures of them all having a great time...

But where was I??  I was holding the camera..the passports...the money..the back pack...the sunblock..the keys to the condo and I drove the jeep the entire time while reading the directions that were in french so we could get where they wanted to go...Like any mom, your happy when your kids are happy and it's great to watch them have a good time..but when is it your turn??

The first time I threw on a new bathing suit and dress, it was the first time in a long time I really felt good about how I looked...I'm not sure what type of reaction I was expecting from John..his eyes popping out or maybe a little drool..I don't know...but what I didn't expect was no reaction at all..nope nothing...

I reminded him several times about the pictures I'd wanted to get...him and I on the beach (I have one morgan took) me with the kids and the kids in the jeep..."we have plenty of time" he'd say....I ended up with 4 pictured of myself on this trip..one Morgan took..one John took of the back of my head and two I took of myself with my phone..

By the time we got home I was fed up and completely aggravated..not a fun way to end your trip...As we sat out on the steps the other night, through tears I told him how disappointed I was. Not with the trip, but with him...I don't know why he acts like he does when we travel..when he clearly knew all I wanted were pictures and memories I could share and look back on...he knew this and couldn't do it for me..It's also sad that if I were to put up the ONE picture of myself on the beach in a bathing suit, you guys would all cheer me on and say something nice...people I don't even personally know are my biggest cheer leaders..and the one person I need it from the most remains clueless.

Being a mom and a wife can be hard...being a mom and a wife to a selfish prick while on vacation, is even harder.

( I will add a photo album to my page and share the pictures of the trip if anyone wants to check them out)

Wednesday, March 20, 2013


               Hey Sarah remember the other day when we were in the mall and you were annoyed at that little bratty kid screaming and his mother was dragging him by the arms with the look of defeat and I was laughing?? I was laughing because that was YOU.

Watching that young mom sweating and gritting her teeth while trying to keep it together was me 13 yrs ago.  Some days I though I was going to have to sell you to the gypsies...little did I know those would be some of the best memories of my life.

From the day I found out I was pregnant to the night my water broke..to when they actually let me leave the hospital with an actual human baby..I had no idea what I was doing.

You were cute yet challenging and I swear you were plotting against me all times..weather it was you waking up suddenly and screaming for what seemed like an eternity while I was trying to take a shower or you puking in the car seat when we had to be somewhere, you always had your own agenda.

Toddlerhood...You didn't just have the terrible two's..you had terrible 3's, 4's, & 5's...you were so stubborn...but I'd give anything to hear your little voice say "Sawah"

I remember your first real booboo, the first time you were sick and how you always wanted to be in your underwear dancing (yes I have that on video)...you could go from sweet to sour in an instant.

I've said "Sarah No" more times that I can count and kissed your face just as many times..

 Today you are far from that Bratty toddler (well sometimes) and I am proud to say not only did we both survive the last 14 years..but I didn't screw you up as bad I though I was..no seriously..

You are smart and sweet..beautiful and amazing..talented and persuasive (not enough to get your long board early) funny and sarcastic..witty and sassy and you still have the ability to push me to the brink of insanity in 60 sec or less.

You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me..I am beyond proud to call you my

 I love you more than anything else in this world.

Love, Mom

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Just a normal day

Here I sit once AGAIN in front of my computer screen..type delete..type delete..I've been trying to put into words what it can feel like on daily basis to have thyroid issues...The first day I sat down to write, I ended up in tears and had to walk away...the second day, every time I sat down I became side tracked and forgot why I was sitting here..and the third day I just went for it and typed..teared..and swore.

Today when I logged on to read what I had written..I quickly deleted the entire thing and thought holy shit, if I post this people are going to think I'm insane...

There have been times when even thought I was going insane. Other days, I think I'll definitely GO insane if I have to feel like this for one more damned day!!

I can only speak for myself when I describe how I feel and everyday is different..One of the biggest problems for me is, a lot of the symptoms I have can also be caused by other things in your daily life..so I feel like I never know WHY I feel the way I do.

If you look up depression and thyroid symptoms, they are a lot alike..people have wound up on unnecessary medications because of this..


The biggest issue I have right now is what the doctor likes to call "Brain Fogg" and lucky for me there's nothing they can do about it...there are some days when I'm super productive and other days when even if I have a list in front of me I can't get a single thing done..

Are my meds off?? Or is it just everyday life stress that's got me down today...a constant question in my mind.

dry skin..hair loss..fatigue...I HATE IT!!

Today I feel fat..tomorrow I might feel skinny...there's nothing worse than working out at the gym all week long for years only to have your meds change and then BOOM so do you...I can't imagine what I would look like if I didn't work out daily...and you know what? Some days I just don't want to...

Sometimes I look at women with the small frame and shiny bouncing pony tail and can't help think..before my thyroid came out..that was me..now I can't grow my hair..it's dry and would be totally gray if I didn't color it.  I fluctuate in weight no matter what I do!!  FUCK YOU!!!

I was recently trying to explain this to a close friend...she has very long hair and I said Imagine one day your doctor tells you, you HAVE to shave your head...you have NO CHOICE...and shaving your head will take you completely out or your "normal" you will feel cold.. you will feel odd..and you will feel ugly.

But get ready and suck it the hell up because there's NOTHING you can do about it.

Weight gain...weight loss..is all part of the game, the game the doctors play with my life when trying to find the right dose...I get to sit and wait the seven weeks till the next blood draw and hope by the end of it I feel better and not worse..

Sometimes I feel like I'm controlled by that little blue pill that I have to take before I go to bed..and thats IF I remember to take it..most mornings when I wake up and stare at the bottle I have no memory of taking it at all..post it notes and lists are my best friends and sometimes I even forget what I'm writing down AS I'm writing it.

Somedays I feel like I'm being drugged.

Maybe if I go to bed earlier...work out harder...eat less...my body will be what I want it to be...I mentally abuse the shit out of myself daily with this...

To look at a person with thyroid issues you can't tell there's anything wrong...smiling through the emotional pain of not being able to accomplish what I want today because I'm too tired or today I have severe muscle weakness and poor coordination IS HARD!!

My husband doesn't get it...I'm pretty sure my kids don't understand...and I'm just trying to live and be happy..

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Life after Cancer

I posted a status on facebook the other day and I got a lot of different responses..The ones who really got what I was trying to say, are the ones who have been there and are living life after cancer. I'm not saying people who haven't had cancer can't relate, but it really is a whole different way of life.

What sparked my thinking about this was a conversation I'd had with my husband..I didn't mean to throw him under the bus in my post, actually my post wasn't even about me.. He and I had been talking about a person we know that has a lot of medical things going on. Things I try to understand but it's hard because these medical things have become this person's life. What I mean is, this person lives to talk about their medical issues and my husband was saying this person loves the attention for these medical issues.

So that prompted something to come up about my page..he doesn't understand the whole blogging thing and doesn't understand why I share what I do with people I have never even met..I've tried to explain to him it's all about the support and helping each other with questions and so on...And he said, if he were to ever have cancer or anything else he wouldn't want attention for it. And it hit me..he has it all wrong..

Did I love the support and kind thoughts while I was waiting and worrying about tests..of course..But the support I love the most is people being supportive of who I am now..who I have become after having cancer.

When I went through my thyroidectomy and radioactive iodine, it was a blur..I had a 3 yr old and a brand new baby..I barely had time to reflect on what was happening..then over the years, after it was over it became part of the past...The people around you probably think oh thank god it's over, she's cancer free and everything is great...But nobody realizes how much something like that changes you.

I can honestly say I am not the same person I was before, and it's taken me 11 yrs to realize it and now I'm finally accepting it...it's hard.  To have an invisible internal yuckiness that nobody else can see or feel sucks.  I have tried to look at the bright side and think I'm lucky I'm alive, yeah I know...but living life trying to feel comfortable in your own skin is difficult.

My husband doesn't get what a struggle it's been to accept the person I have become since cancer...he just doesn't understand...I used to have long beautiful shiny hair, now it's thin frizzy and I have to keep it short because it doesn't grow...I used to be very thin and have tons of energy..that ship surely has sailed..these are hard things to get over, I struggle with my body everyday.

I never know what my day will be like..will I be tired..will I be anxious...will I be angry..will I be able to suck it up again today..hell ya I always do..but it's not always enjoyable....I guess in the past several years I'd gotten into such a rut I'd forgotten who I really was and who I want to be..

So my response to my husband was, It's not about the attention because I had cancer..the cancer part is over..it's about the encouragement on living life after. The support I've gotten on who I am now, thats what has been so great and important to me...

I've been doing things I didn't even think I'd ever do and I get to share them with all of you guys..my wonderful awesome supporters..

So if I can do it, so can you...share, ask, tell..do what makes you happy and don't be afraid to be the new wonderful and amazing you...

Just because a persons cancer is gone, doesn't mean they feel better...yes support them during the bad times but being there afterwards for all the good times is just as important.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Russian Roulette

When I get stressed I clean...so let's just say my house is spotless right now....during the last week I've gone through so many emotions and thoughts...my brain was a foggy mess and I felt like I couldn't breathe at times...suck suck suck.

On the morning of my ultra sound my worry was gone..I was finally going to find out whats going on in there and we could move on from there...good or bad...I wouldn't be stuck wondering anymore..The ultra sound tech was quiet and she took a long time..and I could see her getting pictures of every little lymph node in there...was this good?? or was this bad??

Of course being a Friday I didn't get a call and had to wait out the weekend...we kept busy snowmobiling with the kids and had some drinks by the fire outside...but it was always still in the back of my mind...eating away at my gut..

So here it is Monday morning and everyone got off to their day as usual..and I'm left wondering what that ultra sound tech saw..when will they call..what will they say??

I decided I didn't want to wait nay longer so I called them..secretly hoping for voice mail so I could prolong the results a bit longer...The receptionist answered and I told her why I was calling...she paused and said hang on..30 sec later she comes back on and says "oh we were just going to call you" Ugh ok great..shit shit shit...just say it lady..."I'm looking at your results"

I could almost hear her smile...and she said "EVERYTHING CAME BACK CLEAR!!!"

Oh Thank God!!!  ..waiting for results after you have had cancer feels like russian roulette...cancer is one sick bastard...I can breathe again until next time...Today I got lucky..

Thursday, January 3, 2013

worrying won't change a thing..

It's been days of not being able to get anything done...my brain and focus are on other things..my health..my future..my life..

If your just joining this page or maybe you haven't read through all the blogs...let me bring you up to speed..

11 yrs ago, while pregnant with my second daughter, they found a lump... I had thyroid cancer...It was somewhat of a bumpy ride at first but you learn to deal...I've dealt with the ups and downs of not having a thyroid for the past 11 yrs and it hasn't been easy..

During an appointment back in Oct 2011 my endocrinologist decided out of the blue she wanted one more ultra sound before she gave me the free and clear...after all I'd made it to the 7 yr mark and then to the 10!!  I'm not sure why she wanted this last test..but I'm glad I agreed...They found what they are calling malignant "looking" lymph nodes in my neck...Not to panic she said..lymph nodes can look strange for a number of reasons and turn out to be nothing...maybe that would be fine for a person who's never heard the words..."You have cancer"

Before I ever had cancer I never in a million years thought I'd EVER hear those words...even the day I got my results I sat in that office feeling on top of the world... and cancer has taken that from me...I will never go to an appointment and not worry...I may have been cancer free for the past 11 yrs...but I will never be free from cancer..it will always be there..in the back of my mind.

Tomorrow I will go for my follow up ultra sound to check and see if those lymph nodes have gone back to normal...and then I will go from there...I know worrying won't change a thing...I tell myself there is nothing I can do...yet my mind won't let me think of anything else...

I know whatever the outcome everything will be ok...