I used to catch myself saying " I wish I'd had that, or I wish I'd done that after thyroid cancer" . I had my thyroid removed at age 24, after being diagnosed with thyroid cancer during my second pregnancy at 15 weeks pregnant.
Having a baby in general and going from one child to two, is an adjustment in itself. Never mind navigating the whole no thyroid part!!
Looking back I wished I'd had a team of Dr's that talked and took all aspects of my care seriously. No thyroid, new medication AND postpartum, are you kidding me!! My gynecologist and my endocrinologist didn't take the other into consideration. Honestly I should have had a team supporting me.
Let me tell you a little story.
After my first round of of RAI ( radio active iodine) I felt like I was spiraling out of control and had never felt that way before. I could barely function. I went to see my regular PCP, and I had to see his nurse instead. I walked in probably exhausted and upset carrying my brand new baby, just weeks after surgery. I was asking for help.
Instead of going over what had transpired in the last few weeks, drawing thyroid levels or calling my endocrinologist to see if what I was experiencing may have been a side effect. The nurse looked at me, listened to why I was there and told me she would be right back. I remember sitting there thinking, she was coming back with a solution.
When the door to the exam room opened my sister walked in. My first thoughts was she must have seen my car in the parking lot and had an appointment too. I thought she tracked me down to say hi and see her brand new niece who was sleeping soundly in her seat next to me. But she had a puzzled look on her face, and asked me what was wrong. Confused, I said I wasn't feeling well and asked what she was doing there. Turns out the nurse had called my sister to come pick up my newborn, she thought I was unsafe to care for her. I felt completely blindsided!!
The nurse suggested I head down to the hospital that I had my surgery done, she was going call ahead and let them know I was coming. I thought THANK GOD, people who will know what to do and how to actually help me. But when I got to the E.R. there was a psych team waiting for me. I was in complete shock. I had labs drawn as part of the protocol and was interviewed and asked questions for hours. Did I want to take my own life, did I want to hurt my children. Why was I teary. Why was I so angry.
I just had a baby, my thyroid removed and started treatment for cancer, HOW THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO FEEL AND LOOK!!!!
AFTER HOURS of being asked the same questions, a fucking interrogation. The E.R. Dr. came in, told them to leave and apologized to me. My Thyroid levels we off the charts. I was having major Hyperthyroid symptoms, something I figured medical professionals would've have been aware of considering what I'd been dealing with. Zero communication.
Another thing I wished I done, is therapy!! I think therapy should be available for anyone with a cancer diagnosis. Or even talked about as something I should have been considering. Support groups and social media weren't a thing back then!
I think I also would've liked a clear picture of what I'd be up against. Side effects, symptoms to look out for. Things to do, Things to avoid. Holy Shit it's like they just cut you loose and you have to figure it out as this whole new person. It's Bullshit!!
I used to wish daily for my body back. No fatigue, puffiness , aches pains etc. Being able to shop and find things that would fit for a period of time. A size that stayed!!!
Being confident in my body. I felt like I wanted to be invisible whenever I had to dress up, or even trying to feel like I fit in at the gym. I was always thinking, they don't know I don't have a thyroid.
Having the drive to actually reach my goals with weight loss, I was convinced until just last year that if I lost weight, I'd feel happy and confident.
How did I over come these?? It wasn't easy and it didn't happen over night. I slowly started to look into exactly what I needed to do to get where I wanted to be. I joined the gym and got a trainer to show me the best ways to train my body. I played around with meal plans and foods to figure out which ones worked and didn't. When I found something that worked I just kept repeating it. This is how I built my routine. I am STILL a huge planner, list maker and thrive on schedules.
I didn't even start REALLY working on myself until a few years ago. And it wasn't the confidence I lacked, It was courage. The courage to show up as myself, no matter how I felt. The courage to keep showing up even when something wasn't working. The courage to try over and over AND OVER.
THAT is what gave me confidence. I still have my moments in the gym etc. But I can tell you I no longer worry what people think.
Last year I pushed myself and completed 75hard, I'm getting ready to start and do it all over again this week. The program taught me many things about myself, but the take aways relating to body image were eye opening. I was so self conscious and losing 15 lbs did NOT bring me happiness. What it did help me do was love myself for being strong. And learn to love the entire process of my body changing and being capable of hard things and pushing limits.
You CAN do hard things. The secrets of gaining that courage and being successful is 1. Detach from the outcome, and any time frame expectation you have. Don't focus on the end result, instead focus on the steps you need to do in-between. Build yourself a plan to follow. 2. Just keep trying, thats all you have to do.
Xo Ash
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