Unraveling Strands

Ever watch your child unravel and as hard as you try you can't stop it...watching each strand of what calm and understanding they have, break one by one???

That was our morning...

Morgan is 12 and is currently on the waiting list to be tested for Aspergers Syndrome... The idea of her possibly being on the spectrum is not new to me. It's something that was pushed aside for many years while I searched for reasons why she does the things she does.

Now that we have taken the steps to put her on the list and say the words out loud and to her face, it's opened my eyes wide and it's given us all more of an understanding about how Morgan's mind works. Sharing Morgan has been great and connecting with other parents that let us into their lives has also been amazing!

Parenting my oldest daughter Sarah was so much different. She was stubborn, but you could reason with her. She would spout off and maybe we would yell, but once we said what we needed to say it was usually over and it was case closed..She is still like this at 15, very reasonable and even though she is a teen I'm very lucky she is able to communicate her frustrations in a mature way.

Parenting Morgan is totally different..

This morning was frustrating, it took everything I had not to yell in her face because she was being unreasonable... unreasonable to who?? ME... Her thoughts in her mind were valid and here I was telling her they weren't because she couldn't see it my way...

I forget sometimes she thinks differently and I need to approach things in a different way...Somedays I can catch it and somedays she just starts to unravel and there's nothing I can do...and then it's over. She shuts herself off and there's NO getting through until she is ready.

Sometimes it's lasts for hours and sometimes depending what it's about it can go on for days until it's rectified. I have to remind myself that in her mind everything has to have an absolute concrete matter of fact reason why it is the way it is..there can be no maybe.

This morning we ran out of chocolate chips for the pancakes that was strike one...I will get more today, don't worry!! Strike two was me starting the dishes at 7:25, we leave the house around 7:30 and we take the long way to school. We have found this is a extra thing she likes and it helps us get out of the house on time in the morning..we take the long way to school and she listens to the oldies station. Like her pancakes she looks forward to this everyday. So me doing the dishes 5 minutes before we should leave, she thought we wouldn't have enough time for her "loop".  Third strike was she ran out of yarn and I didn't post the 3 scarves she made on Etsy yet..she knows she has to get paid to buy more yarn and today in her mind that is the dumbest idea..cue full blown argument..

We manage to get out the door the whole time she is mumbling under her breath..she is mad and her reason for being mad is not making sense to me which is MAKING HER MORE MAD!! I'm trying to be as matter of fact as possible and I'm getting nowhere..and I can feel myself starting to get angry and now my voice is getting loud.. it's a recipe for disaster and I'm the one throwing in all the ingredients.

I am slowly realizing everyday things with my girl are real..Arguments and silent meltdowns are far and few between but they do happen. And I'm just starting to understand why..she processes things so differently, that I can't even comprehend sometimes..and my heart breaks thinking of all the times I became frustrated and yelled or shut her down because of our miscommunication.

The ride to school was tense..we got in the truck and she wanted to radio turned to 105.3 "The Shark" she usually does this herself but today she mumbled it under her breath so I could barely hear her, but I knew what she wanted. Every muscle in my body was tight..what an irritating way to start our day. And then I looked over and saw her face. She looked defeated and sad.. I know asking her whats wrong is useless and I know pulling over to hug her like I would do with Sarah would be unimaginable.

Instead we take our drive in silence and I pull up to the curb..she fumbles with her things as usual..I remind her to take the bus home and I will be there. I will not get a hug..I will not get an I love you..I get an emotionless "bye" and the door slams.

I fully expect my letter this afternoon firing me from my job as her mom.